Let Him Be...

As I'm here thinking of starting a petition for Mother's Month, I'm also reflecting on the adventures of being a married parent! Single parents get a lot of attention but I'm here to tell you, having been both, that being a married parent is just as challenging (IJS)!
Take the other day for example, Bobby had Nygel help him put our king sized mattress back on the bed. I was just coming out the shower and I could hear their voices but not every word. Apparently, Nygel was having trouble gripping the handles on the side and I heard Bobby's voice go from normal to elevated. I poked my head out to see, jump in or whatever (lol).
Bobby was yelling...thankfully it wasn't the angry, "I'm going to kill you" voice but in the "come on you can do it" voice. He was telling Nygel to bend his arm like a bicep curl and to lift while moving the mattress forward. Mind you, the mattress is almost as big as Nygel but he got it! They laughed together and left the room. 

As I stood there in the background, I realized something amazing; one of the best things I do for my kids is allow Bobby to be their father! I allow him to teach them, love them and even discipline them the way he thinks best.
I don't disagree with him (too often) in front of the kids because I want them to respect him and trust his decisions. When I catch myself tying to impose my way, I usually try to make a joke so I don't look like helicopter, mama bear, don't mess with my baby--type of mom.
As mothers, it's not always easy to allow dads to step in or take over but we need to. We need to give them and their kids room to learn each other, trust each other and figure out the things we do.

If you're not married, it can seem 10 times harder to have the baby daddy going in and out but if he's showing up...let him! Trust me, I've been there too...I know what I know!
Bobby and I had Cassie before we were married and to add even more drama, we weren't even together anymore when I discovered I was pregnant! We tried to live together as her parents but after a year and a half, we were living apart. I didn't set any limits; Bobby could call me at anytime and come pick Cassie up...we only lived 5 minutes apart. I didn't concern myself with child support, she was mine and I didn't mind supporting her. When she was with him, I didn't even send a baby bag because he was going to make sure he had whatever she needed while in his care. 
When he started to see someone else, I didn't like having her with my daughter but I decided to trust her father; Cassie was our baby. He learned quickly how to handle her temperament and how picky she could be from day to day. 15 years later, they have this amazing relationship...they even share the same crazy sense of humor. 
(pardon the interruption): 
I feel it necessary to explain what I mean by using the word "allow". The way I see it, mothers have a natural way of blocking their kids from harm. Sometimes though, we get our signals crossed and block our kids from the person who brought the rest of the ingredients to the table. We sometimes get emotional about sharing custody because we're still heartbroken that the relationship didn't work. We sometimes think our way is better and instead of letting our partner learn (just like we did), we disrespect them and minimize their contributions. 
(back to the regularly scheduled program): 
There were many times I wanted to step in when Bobby was dealing with the kids. Times when I thought he was too easy, or too strict, or too rough, etc. etc. I am proud to say that for the most part, I held back...I didn't interfere. A few times when the boys were in their early teens, I gave him complete freedom to handle situations the way he saw fit. It was huge to him...I even remember him being nervous but there was something special about listening to him tell me how he handled it! He gave me the play-by-play and waited for a look of approval (I'm sure that's what his look implied, LOL). He nailed it...better than I ever imagined and I made sure to tell him so!
We don't always get it right as parents so as we finish celebrating moms and prepare to celebrate dads, let's commit to working together! No matter the status of the relationship between the adults, lets be better about allowing each other to be the best parent possible and the only way to do that is with practice. 

You need to get a hold of yourself

Sooo...I was talking with my daughter Cassie about sex (I don't understand why adults are uncomfortable about talking about something soo important, natural and amazing) and of course the main theme was abstinence! She asked an interesting question and I realized I'd have to take it deeper to drive the message home: "what if you meet the person you know you're going to marry? Isn't it ok to be with them, you just haven't had the ceremony yet? (0_O)
Thank God I'm a trained psycho-therapist...emphasis on the word PSYCHO! Is she crazy???? Have I taught her nothing??? Hasn't her sister's life taught her nothing??? All those weeks in youth group just disappeared. Seriously though, I was a bit taken back because I thought we'd really been clear and she after all, is the "smart" kid.  
My first task was to clear up what she was hearing elsewhere. See, in public schools, they teach the protection method. Do what you want just make sure you wrap it up! We can see how well that's been working in society...teen pregnancies are still an issue and 1 abortion happens every 26 seconds (fact)! 

The last task was to leave her with something to think about (and plant a seed for the next conversation). Abstinence is not only about sex...it's about everything in our lives that we need to pause from. See, there is a season to abstain from drinking alcohol (if you're going to drive, if you're pregnant), there's a time to abstain from flipping out (you can't fight everyone who pisses you off everywhere you go), there's a time to abstain from saying something hurtful and there's a time to abstain from sex. Everything has it's time and place and the BEST time for sex is with your spouse...it's uninhibited and you won't feel like trash if you wake up and he's gone in the morning (he left for work). Too many young girls (even grown women) are trying to convince themselves that sex has something to do with love...it doesn't!!! People don't have to love each other to satisfy a physical itch...they can be nothing more than two dogs hunching in the backyard (IJS)!  Or it can be an intimate experience between two people who already love each other. And I know, I hear all of you talking about your "committed" relationships. Here's the thing...even in a primitive society, most practices of faith and culture, commitment involves a ceremony of sorts. And I hear the rest of you who were married (committed) and now are not...I hear you. I've been all of the above and it doesn't change my original position. The BEST sex is with your spouse...back to the story.
So I posed a question of my own: if someone knowingly stepped on your foot and completely ignored you would you run them down and kick their buttocks??? Her response..."that would be crazy".  Why? "because it's just not necessary". Even if it really hurt? "some things you just have to move on from, it's going to hurt for awhile but then it stops hurting". B-I-N-G-O!!!
I used her words to help her make sense of it. The desire to have sex can be intense but some things you just have to move on from because before your married, it's just not necessary. The emotional roller coaster and the amount of consequences associated with it are crazy! Be honest, are you proud of ALL you pre-marriage escapades??? Are these the stories you'll tell your own daughter to help guide her into womanhood??? 
I explained to her (and I'm telling you) if you do not make up in your mind in peacetime what you will and won't do, you'll lose the battle during war! This is not a "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" situation. This is a "I will not put myself in a situation that will in any way, shape or form compromise my morals and standards".  No matter what society says! 
I heard a popular radio host +Michael Baisden say the stupidest thing ever regarding teaching abstinence. He said something to the effect of it being crazy to tell kids not to have sex...it's natural and unrealistic because of their raging hormones! Maybe for his daughter but for mine, it's realistic to teach self-control and that's what abstinence is! I teach my kids that they rule their minds (and bodies), not hormones or popular opinion. Sex with multiple people, for multiples reasons is stupid. Learning a little delayed gratification is a skill...it's not popular but it's beneficial!
Having self-control and doing things in a matter befitting a person with self-respect and a concrete value system is preference to me. I know for a fact that if my daughter is able to control herself in this one area, it will spill over to other areas of her life. She'll be more prone to complete goals and finish what she started because when the "feeling" of quitting comes up , she will have already learned the skill of doing what's necessary...not what's comfortable! 

Be an Optimist

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

Songwriters
SMITH, DANIEL

You Have to Know The Enemy

So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship. 
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side! 

So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence. 
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).  

Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward. 
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us. 
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship! 

FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.

It's You...

Normally I'd be giving you the Saturday song to jam out to but I have to pardon this interruption to address a situation. 

A wonderful woman has posed a question & since I've had the same conversation with 4 others in the last couple weeks, I've decided to answer it here.
This is the question: What do you do when you're tired of your marriage? (I know right...it's serious).
Well, it took me a couple days to really come to an adequate response. I looked at the 5 people I've spoken with on the topic to find a consensus; to see if they had a common thread. One thing they all shared with me was the things about their spouse they didn't like, or how their spouse didn't appreciate, love or respect them. They told me stories and gave me specific examples to help me feel their point of view.
Now, I will tell you that my response is not sugar coated and because I've been married once before and completely understand what went wrong, I can only be honest! First, please know we ALL have ups and downs in our marriage. No one is immune and you're not alone! 

However, when you are tired of the direction your marriage is going, you can make a conscious decision to change the course. It begins with you...you truly do hold the power. You can make a decision to persevere: continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success! OUCH!!! I know...it almost sounds depressing. Here's the thing (and you know I know), that's more a mentality than it is action steps! You have to understand the vows you took are a commitment and you have to choose to make up your mind to continue thru this season of winter...it is the only way to get to spring. Just as with any achievement, you're always 3 feet from gold! If you give up, throw in the towel and walk away, how will you get to success? Your next relationship will be no different because you are no different. Might as well fight for this marriage and get a return on your investment.
The common thread I found with these women was how consumed they were with the issues and their only solution was for their spouse to change...that's not even realistic. See, you can communicate what you need without being consumed by that need. For example, you want your spouse to communicate more. You express that to him. Ok...fine; don't spend everyday moaning and groaning about it. You've expressed your need, carry on. Give him time to process, to understand and to create his own plan of how he can comply. It may not happen the way and/or in the time frame you desire and that's where the "until death do us part" comes into play. It may take awhile...men are slower than us (LOL). Seriously though, in the time you're waiting for him to positively respond to you, be his wife! Love him, respect him and most definitely make love to him. Punishing him in any way, shape or form will backfire, turn you into a nag and drive a deeper wedge between you. Give him some empathy, the things you're asking for may be unexplored territory for him. If you're like the women I've spoken with, you've been marinating on this feeling for awhile and now you expect him to be where you are. Be fair...you've been resenting him since 2012 and now that you've gotten it off your chest, he's suppose to have it figured out?!?! Give him some time and expect a positive result.
I challenge you to live in the vision of who you desire your spouse to be and mentally create the life you want. The mind has a way of shifting our perspective to focus on what we spend the most energy thinking about. So, if you're thinking about and talking about and complaining about what an ass your spouse is, guess what you'll get more of...ass! Focus on his positive qualities (dig as deep as necessary) and speak well of him...especially to others. Life and death are in the tongue and if your spouse is already tearing it down, don't go there...speak life back into your home!
   *** Side note: under no circumstance am I telling you to look the other way for serious, abusive or destructive characteristics. Get professional help***
All of this is to say, the best thing to do if you're tired of your marriage is to realize that it's your own life your actually tired of. Own your feelings, communicate to your spouse anything external that they can do to help you be better, persevere and live in your vision of the life you want and not in your current state of affairs. Your feelings are only an indicator, don't let them take the lead because we can go from the photo above to the one below in the same day when we lead with our feelings. 

Make a conscious, mental decision to say what needs to be said and do what you need to do. Get excited about the future and decide to be committed to your marriage and not simply interested. No matter the mood, don't be consumed with the issues and understand that when you shift, everyone else in your life does too. 

And last but not least...forgive. Linda Dillon said it best, "a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers who commit not to hold a grudge and nurse a hurt but instead to freely forgive their mate, even though sometimes he or she does not deserve forgiveness". That's it...this is all I have to say for now on this. If you have something to add...please don't hold back! Share, comment and express your thoughts below. We'd all love to hear from you. Be well...

It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)

How Do You Love????

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, the displays and ads are in full swing. Every kiss begins with "k" and Dove hopes love is in a box of chocolates! 
With all that society/culture does to help us express love, I truly feel like it all misses the mark.
There are 4 major types of love and 5 Love Languages (we'll talk about next time) and I seriously doubt any of that can be summed in anything from Kay or over a candlelight dinner!
In being our best authentic selves (and allowing others to be the same) let's move past the commercial and get back to the compassion of love expressing!
Let's be willing to tell the significant people in our lives how we truly feel...without regard if they reciprocate! You see, that's the BEST part of love...actually experiencing it! Somebody said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" (put it in the comments if you know where this came from).  When you express your love (any type) towards someone else, it frees your soul; it makes you wanna sing...lol!
I'm not only taking about romantic (eros) love...I'm talking about all kinds to all people (agape)! When you whisper it to your sleeping child (storax), or say it to your best girlfriend at the end of the phone call (philia)...no matter to whom it's expressed, it benefits the giver just as much, if not more, than the receiver!

I challenge you this Valentine's Day (and after) to express love in all ways! Don't allow society to dictate to you how it should be given and definitely not how it's received! Remember, we all express love differently so if you don't receive diamond earrings or a night on the town, that does not mean your significant doesn't love you! 
If you're single at this moment, show love to the people who truly matter in your life. Valentine's Day can even be a pre-mother's/father's day! If you have children, don't leave them out of the love fest! Do something sweet with or for them...or better yet, do something together for someone else! We usually reserve serving during the "holiday" season but what better way to teach them about limitless expressions of love than to offer charity to someone who can't repay you?
For my married couples...make this a season to serve each other! Put aside your selfish desires and serve (wait on, assist, attend to) your mate! Put aside the petty differences and not only express your love but be willing to receive the expression of love they give (remember, they may speak a different love language). 
Just so you know...I'll spend the day doing my usual. I'll buy red, heart-shaped balloons for my kids and hubby! I'll write personal messages and song lyrics on them and tie them to their beds, so they can dream sweet dreams :) We'll have a nice family dinner with everyone's favorites (mostly mine) and it'll be a quiet and fun evening! I'll send out messages of love to my friends, parents and siblings. I have some other things planned but I can't tell here (surprises)! No matter, it's my goal to express every type of love this Valentine's season...all week long! 
Will you join me? Will you get away from the commercialized view of this day and get back to the compassion? Ladies, will you not only look to be served but also be willing to give a little bit of yourself?
I hope you all have a BLESSED and LOVELY Valentine's Day! Next week, we'll talk about the 5 Love Languages...i hope it'll help us understand each other better!

Saturday Song #2

SONG #2: 

Well, I wear my clothes like this because I can

And I wear my hair like this because I can

And I walk around like this because I can

and I do my thing like this cuz its who I am.

And if you're expecting me, to give you an apology for being nothing that you're used to

Well go right on ahead and wait, hold your breath and concentrate. 

Keep holding 'til your face turns blue.

My road, it ain't your road but trust I know (I know just where I'm going)

My flow, it ain't your flow but trust I know (I know just how I'm flowing)

I'ma do my thing (I'ma do my thing)

Please feel free to hate and complain

I'ma do my thing

Say what you like because this one ain't gonna change

I'ma do my thing

{janelle}

I can't wear my clothes like you, because I'm not

I can't do my hair like you, because I'm not

I can't walk around like you, because I'm not

I can't do my thing like you, well that just ain't hot

And if you're expecting me, to give you an apology for being nothing like you're used to

Well go right on ahead and wait, hold your breath and concentrate. 

Keep holding 'til your face turns blue.

My road, it ain't your road but trust I know (I know just where I'm going)

My flow, it aint your flow but trust I know (I know just how I'm flowing)

I'ma do my thing (I'ma do my thing)

So please feel free to hate and complain

I'ma do my thing

And say what you like because this one ain't gonna change

I'ma do my thing

You don't know where I'm going, and so you think I'm lost

I ain't on your page ok, so to you that means I'm off.

When I dance, I dance to the beat of a drummer that you can't hear and can't see

So if I look offbeat to you, well the problem must be you, not me

Irregular but never irrelevant, unusual but never uncool.

You're not cut from my cloth so you don't get me. Well, I don't get you.

Either a believer of the fact that unique equals love.

Am I going to fast for you? Open your mind and speed up.

My road, it ain't your road but trust I know (I know just where I'm going)

My flow, it ain't your flow but trust I know (I know just how I'm flowing)

I'ma do my thing (I'ma do my thing)

So please feel free to hate and complain

I'ma do my thing

And say what you like because this one ain't gonna change

I'ma do my thing

Songwriters: SMITH, SHAFFER / KURTISS, WARREN / SNODDY, MIYKAL / REYNOLDS, TYJILLA

Published by: Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Are You Ready To Die???

It's not quite what you think...put away your insurance policy. 

I recently saw the amazing Broadway Musical, "I Have A Dream" about the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It was emotional and inspiring...a whole new perspective on the man behind the dream.
There was a quote from the production that stuck with me, 
"a man who won't die for something is not fit to live". WOW...it instantly had me taking a mental assessment on what I'm willing to die for! My Faith...my Family...my Beliefs...our Freedom...our Justice!
I shared the thought with my daughter +Cassandra Barrett who reminded me of the BEST commercial of 2013 featuring heroic women! Check it out here:

The one who stood out the most to me is the youngest one featured...Malala Yousafzai! At 12 years old she was writing a blog on her views promoting education for girls and the rule 

of the Taliban in her region. When she was 15 years old, she

was shot in the head on her school bus as an assassination attempt. 9 months later, she spoke at the United Nations to call for worldwide access to education; especially for girls! Can you say "WOW"...what conviction.

Here's a young girl ready to die, not only for her own beliefs but also for the rights of those who would come after her. She didn't spend her time whining about the injustice...she spoke up and did something! She followed in her father's footsteps of protesting against the Taliban, even after many backed down because it became dangerous! 

So many times in my life I've witnessed people who were too timid or afraid to stand up for their own personal well being. They gripe about how someone else intimidated or pressured them when basically they just lacked courage to stand up. I know I mentioned something along these lines before but it bears repeating with more bass in my voice (or in my words)! What are you willing to die for??? (comment below) 

What do you believe in so strongly you would risk your safety? 

Men have gut instincts and women have intuition...will you vow to listen? Will you promise to advocate for our children instead of reluctantly going along with the doctor, teacher or psychiatrist? Will you be willing to die to selfishness, pride, fear, hopelessness, weakness and indifference to make your world (immediate surroundings) better? 

In a culture that relies so heavily on "the experts", it's ok to also listen to the loudest voice in your head...your OWN!

Are you ready?

"I AM MALALA"

Saturday Song List

Every Saturday I'll give you a song to add to your playlist!
I'll post the lyrics and a link to the You Tube video (if available).

Music really does tame the savage beast and it can help to instantly change your state (of mind)! So...when you're feeling funky or in a slump...check out the Saturday song list and jam your way back to the land of the living. Dance and sing and be free!
Read the lyrics before listening to the song...especially if you don't know it! Figure out how the words can be applied to your life for the betterment of yourself or those in your environment.
Song # 1...MY FAVORITE:

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

Brave lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Smell the Roses

Do you know someone who can consistently find something to complain about? I spoke to someone the other day that thought the sun was shining to bright. Then of course the temperature dropped and they were actually upset. It rained yesterday and so did they.
I'm not sure what the clinical diagnosis is for that but as I listened (actual, no talking back, listened), I wondered...what is in their heart? Bitterness? A critical spirit? Sadness? Whatever is on the inside of our heads and hearts is what comes out of our mouths.
I've been guilty once or twice about complaining in isolated incidents but to have an overall attitude of complaining is such an unfortunate way to live. It's o.k. to speak up and out but we can't get so weighed down by life that we miss out on living!
As we move forward into this New Year, let's be better about finding solutions to problems or shifting our perspective to see things differently. There's too much beauty in the world to waste time with unnecessary complaints! Be easy...

Who Cares How You Feel?

Remember when you were a kid and your parent told you to do something...right in the middle of Tom & Jerry? In your heart, you really didn't feel like doing it but in your head you knew you had to.

How you felt about it didn't matter AT ALL...you had to do what had to be done. How did that conviction or obedience get so distorted in adult life??? 

Now we complete things for ourselves based on how we feel but go to work or do things for someone else even if we're sick as dog because "we have to". How did our conviction get so strong for others and so weak for ourselves?

Maybe it's because we felt obligated to our parents, teachers or other people in authority over us. Maybe it's because in our heart we didn't really want to do what was asked and now that we're "grown" we don't have to do what we don't want to. Maybe we give in to so many other things/people we just draw the line!

The problem with any of these reasons is they don't work out for our own betterment! As an adult, we have authority over ourselves and we should feel obligated to our own goals and dreams more than anything else!  

If you'd go to work for someone else sick, suffering or coughing up a lung, you should be just as committed to our own tasks! Just because we're grown up and can do whatever we want, when we give in to our every changing feelings, we usually run over to easy street! You see, when our feelings lead us (especially the one of "deserve"), we take the front seat on an emotional roller coaster. We start something great in January (at the height of excitement) and then feel like we deserve a break in March (when fatigue sets in). Changing our minds and actions based on the whim of how we feel is exhausting! Know what you want and decide to keep going until achieved, conquered or acquired!

I challenge you to do what needs to be done without thinking about the feeling...you know, like when you brush your teeth! Most of us don't stand at the sink and decide if we feel like brushing...we just do it! So let's do this together, let's stick to these goals and resolutions regardless of how we feel! Let's not only choose to be more disciplined, let's choose to have the best life possible...that's all it is, a CHOICE! 

Don't Put Up With That!

*** WARNING: Today's topic goes against popular societal perspectives and may cause passionate discussion and mental shifts! Reader discretion is advised! ***

One of the most popular words in pop culture is slowly destroying us as humans...ONE WORD! It destroys from within and is often used as a weapon of mass manipulation to undermine our convictions! If you shift from this popular belief, it will change EVERY relationship in your life. In theory, it seems ok but in practice it's so serious! Take it in...read each definition and understand how this actually plays out in your life. 
Tolerance: 1 : willingness to accept feelings, habits, or beliefs that are different from your own. 2 : the ability to accept, experience, or survive something harmful or unpleasant. 3 medical : your body's ability to become adjusted to something (such as a drug) so that its effects are experienced less strongly

Why should you be willing to accept what you don't believe in? If you believe in monogamy, why would you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't? What type of life are you truly living when you become "adjusted" or numb to things that are not in alignment with who you are or the life you want to live?
From the perspective of yourself, it's a way for others to shut you up while they are free to act in any manner; it's such a condescending form of manipulation. No one should ever want to be tolerated and you shouldn't be the type of person people have to put up with! 
From the perspective of others, it allows us to hold hate and resentment in your hearts while mustering a fake, half smile. Though the effects may not be experienced as strong over time, one day, that penned up negativity could erupt and then everyone will be so shocked! No relationship can flourish under the umbrella of tolerance...it usually leads to resentment and indifference, which is actually worse than hate! Not sure what I mean, you know the feeling you get when that drunk uncle in your family shows up??? Yup...that's it! Tolerance at it's finest...you don't even like him.

Here's the pivot we should make to be better to ourselves and others: 1. Respect (not accept) differences. Respect means to "feel or understand that someone and something is important, serious, etc,. and should be treated in an appropriate way". Respect the choices made by others and respect yourself enough to create the necessary boundaries. 2. Love Thy Neighbor! Love the drunk Uncle enough to get him the help he needs...seriously take time to care about him. If he doesn't want your help, respect yourself enough to draw the boundary lines but don't resent him, it's his life. See how differently that works out? 
Respect and Love are the keys to a better self and better relationships...believe me when I tell ya! We'll talk more about it in the weeks to come... 

Truth Is Your Biggest Weakness

I'm not politically correct and I can't apologize about the truth, it wouldn't be authentic. There's nothing but love behind my words although I've hurt peoples' feelings on more than one occasion. 

Now that we've gotten that out of the way let me tell you a little story: I was at an event and the closest seat to me was in the middle of the row. I politely excused myself as I made my way in; ladies moved their legs and men stood up to allow me to pass. I sat next to a little girl, maybe 7 years old. She looked at me a couple times as if she was trying to remember where we met before...she was cute. After the event, we were all socializing and I was trying to make my way through the crowd and there I was passing by this little girl and her mother (again). Finally as we were leaving, I was right next to them and the the little girl poked me on the butt (it must have mystified her) and said, "Your butt is big".
Her mother, who was a size zero, nearly fainted and apologized profusely! Everyone within 3 feet of us heard the exchange and I bent down to pick my face up from off the floor! While I was down there, I heard the mother scolding the little girl, harshly! 
I went over and told the mom to stop, her daughter did nothing wrong. She made an observation, she even got a closer look and after careful calculations, she stated her discovery. I bent down and got eye level with the little girl and told her she did nothing wrong...my butt is big! I told her to always tell the truth and to always say what's on her heart...it was such a Lifetime moment!
So here's the thing. I could have been glad the mother taught her child (who was actually a little chubby) a lesson on respecting elders and being seen instead of heard. Or I could have drowned in embarrassment and patch up my bruised ego over chocolate chip cookies. I'm so glad I chose differently...and you can too!
If you're hiding from the truth then the reality is you're living a lie (IJS)! The truth really does set you free...free to discover, grow and heal. No it doesn't always feel good but when you deal with it, there's rainbows and pixie dust on the other side! Trust me...that little girl taught me the best lesson (not that one, my butt's still big)... always tell the truth and say what's on my heart; the truth may hurt but it's revelation is soo necessary!

Take a Selfie

Put away your smartphone...we're changing it up!

Selfie: the act, thought or idea of making oneself the priority for a season; being responsible for oneself and own betterment!

Say this out loud: "it's all about me". 

Yes it is! (At least for the next few days or so). 

I give you permission to take a selfie in order to prepare for how much of yourself you will cheerfully give the rest of the year. 

I know...nothing cheery comes to mind when you hear the word "selfish"...it goes against everything you were ever taught but trust me (you know I know) it's needed. There's no way we can be all the things we can be if we haven't taken the time to be with the main character of our story. The more selfies we take right now will help us figure out what's needed on the road to becoming better and make us more equipped to share ourselves with the rest of the world! If you don't make yourself the center of attention for awhile, you'll find yourself blaming the universe (and everyone within 3ft.) for why you couldn't or didn't. 

I have such an "have it all" mentality that I truly believe you can take a selfie to get clear about your direction without being self-centered or self-absorbed; there's a difference! Remember...taking time for you in no way takes away from your other roles, it simply allows you the opportunity to create the life you want to live!