You need to get a hold of yourself

Sooo...I was talking with my daughter Cassie about sex (I don't understand why adults are uncomfortable about talking about something soo important, natural and amazing) and of course the main theme was abstinence! She asked an interesting question and I realized I'd have to take it deeper to drive the message home: "what if you meet the person you know you're going to marry? Isn't it ok to be with them, you just haven't had the ceremony yet? (0_O)
Thank God I'm a trained psycho-therapist...emphasis on the word PSYCHO! Is she crazy???? Have I taught her nothing??? Hasn't her sister's life taught her nothing??? All those weeks in youth group just disappeared. Seriously though, I was a bit taken back because I thought we'd really been clear and she after all, is the "smart" kid.  
My first task was to clear up what she was hearing elsewhere. See, in public schools, they teach the protection method. Do what you want just make sure you wrap it up! We can see how well that's been working in society...teen pregnancies are still an issue and 1 abortion happens every 26 seconds (fact)! 

The last task was to leave her with something to think about (and plant a seed for the next conversation). Abstinence is not only about sex...it's about everything in our lives that we need to pause from. See, there is a season to abstain from drinking alcohol (if you're going to drive, if you're pregnant), there's a time to abstain from flipping out (you can't fight everyone who pisses you off everywhere you go), there's a time to abstain from saying something hurtful and there's a time to abstain from sex. Everything has it's time and place and the BEST time for sex is with your spouse...it's uninhibited and you won't feel like trash if you wake up and he's gone in the morning (he left for work). Too many young girls (even grown women) are trying to convince themselves that sex has something to do with love...it doesn't!!! People don't have to love each other to satisfy a physical itch...they can be nothing more than two dogs hunching in the backyard (IJS)!  Or it can be an intimate experience between two people who already love each other. And I know, I hear all of you talking about your "committed" relationships. Here's the thing...even in a primitive society, most practices of faith and culture, commitment involves a ceremony of sorts. And I hear the rest of you who were married (committed) and now are not...I hear you. I've been all of the above and it doesn't change my original position. The BEST sex is with your spouse...back to the story.
So I posed a question of my own: if someone knowingly stepped on your foot and completely ignored you would you run them down and kick their buttocks??? Her response..."that would be crazy".  Why? "because it's just not necessary". Even if it really hurt? "some things you just have to move on from, it's going to hurt for awhile but then it stops hurting". B-I-N-G-O!!!
I used her words to help her make sense of it. The desire to have sex can be intense but some things you just have to move on from because before your married, it's just not necessary. The emotional roller coaster and the amount of consequences associated with it are crazy! Be honest, are you proud of ALL you pre-marriage escapades??? Are these the stories you'll tell your own daughter to help guide her into womanhood??? 
I explained to her (and I'm telling you) if you do not make up in your mind in peacetime what you will and won't do, you'll lose the battle during war! This is not a "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" situation. This is a "I will not put myself in a situation that will in any way, shape or form compromise my morals and standards".  No matter what society says! 
I heard a popular radio host +Michael Baisden say the stupidest thing ever regarding teaching abstinence. He said something to the effect of it being crazy to tell kids not to have sex...it's natural and unrealistic because of their raging hormones! Maybe for his daughter but for mine, it's realistic to teach self-control and that's what abstinence is! I teach my kids that they rule their minds (and bodies), not hormones or popular opinion. Sex with multiple people, for multiples reasons is stupid. Learning a little delayed gratification is a skill...it's not popular but it's beneficial!
Having self-control and doing things in a matter befitting a person with self-respect and a concrete value system is preference to me. I know for a fact that if my daughter is able to control herself in this one area, it will spill over to other areas of her life. She'll be more prone to complete goals and finish what she started because when the "feeling" of quitting comes up , she will have already learned the skill of doing what's necessary...not what's comfortable! 

It's You...

Normally I'd be giving you the Saturday song to jam out to but I have to pardon this interruption to address a situation. 

A wonderful woman has posed a question & since I've had the same conversation with 4 others in the last couple weeks, I've decided to answer it here.
This is the question: What do you do when you're tired of your marriage? (I know right...it's serious).
Well, it took me a couple days to really come to an adequate response. I looked at the 5 people I've spoken with on the topic to find a consensus; to see if they had a common thread. One thing they all shared with me was the things about their spouse they didn't like, or how their spouse didn't appreciate, love or respect them. They told me stories and gave me specific examples to help me feel their point of view.
Now, I will tell you that my response is not sugar coated and because I've been married once before and completely understand what went wrong, I can only be honest! First, please know we ALL have ups and downs in our marriage. No one is immune and you're not alone! 

However, when you are tired of the direction your marriage is going, you can make a conscious decision to change the course. It begins with you...you truly do hold the power. You can make a decision to persevere: continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success! OUCH!!! I know...it almost sounds depressing. Here's the thing (and you know I know), that's more a mentality than it is action steps! You have to understand the vows you took are a commitment and you have to choose to make up your mind to continue thru this season of winter...it is the only way to get to spring. Just as with any achievement, you're always 3 feet from gold! If you give up, throw in the towel and walk away, how will you get to success? Your next relationship will be no different because you are no different. Might as well fight for this marriage and get a return on your investment.
The common thread I found with these women was how consumed they were with the issues and their only solution was for their spouse to change...that's not even realistic. See, you can communicate what you need without being consumed by that need. For example, you want your spouse to communicate more. You express that to him. Ok...fine; don't spend everyday moaning and groaning about it. You've expressed your need, carry on. Give him time to process, to understand and to create his own plan of how he can comply. It may not happen the way and/or in the time frame you desire and that's where the "until death do us part" comes into play. It may take awhile...men are slower than us (LOL). Seriously though, in the time you're waiting for him to positively respond to you, be his wife! Love him, respect him and most definitely make love to him. Punishing him in any way, shape or form will backfire, turn you into a nag and drive a deeper wedge between you. Give him some empathy, the things you're asking for may be unexplored territory for him. If you're like the women I've spoken with, you've been marinating on this feeling for awhile and now you expect him to be where you are. Be fair...you've been resenting him since 2012 and now that you've gotten it off your chest, he's suppose to have it figured out?!?! Give him some time and expect a positive result.
I challenge you to live in the vision of who you desire your spouse to be and mentally create the life you want. The mind has a way of shifting our perspective to focus on what we spend the most energy thinking about. So, if you're thinking about and talking about and complaining about what an ass your spouse is, guess what you'll get more of...ass! Focus on his positive qualities (dig as deep as necessary) and speak well of him...especially to others. Life and death are in the tongue and if your spouse is already tearing it down, don't go there...speak life back into your home!
   *** Side note: under no circumstance am I telling you to look the other way for serious, abusive or destructive characteristics. Get professional help***
All of this is to say, the best thing to do if you're tired of your marriage is to realize that it's your own life your actually tired of. Own your feelings, communicate to your spouse anything external that they can do to help you be better, persevere and live in your vision of the life you want and not in your current state of affairs. Your feelings are only an indicator, don't let them take the lead because we can go from the photo above to the one below in the same day when we lead with our feelings. 

Make a conscious, mental decision to say what needs to be said and do what you need to do. Get excited about the future and decide to be committed to your marriage and not simply interested. No matter the mood, don't be consumed with the issues and understand that when you shift, everyone else in your life does too. 

And last but not least...forgive. Linda Dillon said it best, "a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers who commit not to hold a grudge and nurse a hurt but instead to freely forgive their mate, even though sometimes he or she does not deserve forgiveness". That's it...this is all I have to say for now on this. If you have something to add...please don't hold back! Share, comment and express your thoughts below. We'd all love to hear from you. Be well...

It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)