You Have to Know The Enemy

So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship. 
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side! 

So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence. 
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).  

Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward. 
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us. 
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship! 

FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.

It's You...

Normally I'd be giving you the Saturday song to jam out to but I have to pardon this interruption to address a situation. 

A wonderful woman has posed a question & since I've had the same conversation with 4 others in the last couple weeks, I've decided to answer it here.
This is the question: What do you do when you're tired of your marriage? (I know right...it's serious).
Well, it took me a couple days to really come to an adequate response. I looked at the 5 people I've spoken with on the topic to find a consensus; to see if they had a common thread. One thing they all shared with me was the things about their spouse they didn't like, or how their spouse didn't appreciate, love or respect them. They told me stories and gave me specific examples to help me feel their point of view.
Now, I will tell you that my response is not sugar coated and because I've been married once before and completely understand what went wrong, I can only be honest! First, please know we ALL have ups and downs in our marriage. No one is immune and you're not alone! 

However, when you are tired of the direction your marriage is going, you can make a conscious decision to change the course. It begins with you...you truly do hold the power. You can make a decision to persevere: continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success! OUCH!!! I know...it almost sounds depressing. Here's the thing (and you know I know), that's more a mentality than it is action steps! You have to understand the vows you took are a commitment and you have to choose to make up your mind to continue thru this season of winter...it is the only way to get to spring. Just as with any achievement, you're always 3 feet from gold! If you give up, throw in the towel and walk away, how will you get to success? Your next relationship will be no different because you are no different. Might as well fight for this marriage and get a return on your investment.
The common thread I found with these women was how consumed they were with the issues and their only solution was for their spouse to change...that's not even realistic. See, you can communicate what you need without being consumed by that need. For example, you want your spouse to communicate more. You express that to him. Ok...fine; don't spend everyday moaning and groaning about it. You've expressed your need, carry on. Give him time to process, to understand and to create his own plan of how he can comply. It may not happen the way and/or in the time frame you desire and that's where the "until death do us part" comes into play. It may take awhile...men are slower than us (LOL). Seriously though, in the time you're waiting for him to positively respond to you, be his wife! Love him, respect him and most definitely make love to him. Punishing him in any way, shape or form will backfire, turn you into a nag and drive a deeper wedge between you. Give him some empathy, the things you're asking for may be unexplored territory for him. If you're like the women I've spoken with, you've been marinating on this feeling for awhile and now you expect him to be where you are. Be fair...you've been resenting him since 2012 and now that you've gotten it off your chest, he's suppose to have it figured out?!?! Give him some time and expect a positive result.
I challenge you to live in the vision of who you desire your spouse to be and mentally create the life you want. The mind has a way of shifting our perspective to focus on what we spend the most energy thinking about. So, if you're thinking about and talking about and complaining about what an ass your spouse is, guess what you'll get more of...ass! Focus on his positive qualities (dig as deep as necessary) and speak well of him...especially to others. Life and death are in the tongue and if your spouse is already tearing it down, don't go there...speak life back into your home!
   *** Side note: under no circumstance am I telling you to look the other way for serious, abusive or destructive characteristics. Get professional help***
All of this is to say, the best thing to do if you're tired of your marriage is to realize that it's your own life your actually tired of. Own your feelings, communicate to your spouse anything external that they can do to help you be better, persevere and live in your vision of the life you want and not in your current state of affairs. Your feelings are only an indicator, don't let them take the lead because we can go from the photo above to the one below in the same day when we lead with our feelings. 

Make a conscious, mental decision to say what needs to be said and do what you need to do. Get excited about the future and decide to be committed to your marriage and not simply interested. No matter the mood, don't be consumed with the issues and understand that when you shift, everyone else in your life does too. 

And last but not least...forgive. Linda Dillon said it best, "a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers who commit not to hold a grudge and nurse a hurt but instead to freely forgive their mate, even though sometimes he or she does not deserve forgiveness". That's it...this is all I have to say for now on this. If you have something to add...please don't hold back! Share, comment and express your thoughts below. We'd all love to hear from you. Be well...