You need to get a hold of yourself

Sooo...I was talking with my daughter Cassie about sex (I don't understand why adults are uncomfortable about talking about something soo important, natural and amazing) and of course the main theme was abstinence! She asked an interesting question and I realized I'd have to take it deeper to drive the message home: "what if you meet the person you know you're going to marry? Isn't it ok to be with them, you just haven't had the ceremony yet? (0_O)
Thank God I'm a trained psycho-therapist...emphasis on the word PSYCHO! Is she crazy???? Have I taught her nothing??? Hasn't her sister's life taught her nothing??? All those weeks in youth group just disappeared. Seriously though, I was a bit taken back because I thought we'd really been clear and she after all, is the "smart" kid.  
My first task was to clear up what she was hearing elsewhere. See, in public schools, they teach the protection method. Do what you want just make sure you wrap it up! We can see how well that's been working in society...teen pregnancies are still an issue and 1 abortion happens every 26 seconds (fact)! 

The last task was to leave her with something to think about (and plant a seed for the next conversation). Abstinence is not only about sex...it's about everything in our lives that we need to pause from. See, there is a season to abstain from drinking alcohol (if you're going to drive, if you're pregnant), there's a time to abstain from flipping out (you can't fight everyone who pisses you off everywhere you go), there's a time to abstain from saying something hurtful and there's a time to abstain from sex. Everything has it's time and place and the BEST time for sex is with your spouse...it's uninhibited and you won't feel like trash if you wake up and he's gone in the morning (he left for work). Too many young girls (even grown women) are trying to convince themselves that sex has something to do with love...it doesn't!!! People don't have to love each other to satisfy a physical itch...they can be nothing more than two dogs hunching in the backyard (IJS)!  Or it can be an intimate experience between two people who already love each other. And I know, I hear all of you talking about your "committed" relationships. Here's the thing...even in a primitive society, most practices of faith and culture, commitment involves a ceremony of sorts. And I hear the rest of you who were married (committed) and now are not...I hear you. I've been all of the above and it doesn't change my original position. The BEST sex is with your spouse...back to the story.
So I posed a question of my own: if someone knowingly stepped on your foot and completely ignored you would you run them down and kick their buttocks??? Her response..."that would be crazy".  Why? "because it's just not necessary". Even if it really hurt? "some things you just have to move on from, it's going to hurt for awhile but then it stops hurting". B-I-N-G-O!!!
I used her words to help her make sense of it. The desire to have sex can be intense but some things you just have to move on from because before your married, it's just not necessary. The emotional roller coaster and the amount of consequences associated with it are crazy! Be honest, are you proud of ALL you pre-marriage escapades??? Are these the stories you'll tell your own daughter to help guide her into womanhood??? 
I explained to her (and I'm telling you) if you do not make up in your mind in peacetime what you will and won't do, you'll lose the battle during war! This is not a "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" situation. This is a "I will not put myself in a situation that will in any way, shape or form compromise my morals and standards".  No matter what society says! 
I heard a popular radio host +Michael Baisden say the stupidest thing ever regarding teaching abstinence. He said something to the effect of it being crazy to tell kids not to have sex...it's natural and unrealistic because of their raging hormones! Maybe for his daughter but for mine, it's realistic to teach self-control and that's what abstinence is! I teach my kids that they rule their minds (and bodies), not hormones or popular opinion. Sex with multiple people, for multiples reasons is stupid. Learning a little delayed gratification is a skill...it's not popular but it's beneficial!
Having self-control and doing things in a matter befitting a person with self-respect and a concrete value system is preference to me. I know for a fact that if my daughter is able to control herself in this one area, it will spill over to other areas of her life. She'll be more prone to complete goals and finish what she started because when the "feeling" of quitting comes up , she will have already learned the skill of doing what's necessary...not what's comfortable! 

You Have to Know The Enemy

So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship. 
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side! 

So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence. 
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).  

Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward. 
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us. 
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship! 

FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.

It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)