It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)

Who are you????

I caught up with an old friend the other day and I gave her the URL to my blog (TreshaKnowsBest). She looked at it and said "I'm surprised it's not called I'm Just Sayin'!" I laughed...she knows me so well.
One of the things I pride myself on is being consistent with my values, morals & silly ways. People can depend on me for a few things: logical explanations & witty humor for sure! No matter the situation, no matter my personal mood or the crisis at hand...you're gonna learn something or laugh, maybe even both!

Can the same be said about you? 

Are you consistent in some basic themes in your life or are you all over the place? Do you act one way with family, then friends, then co-workers? Do you cuss and carry on with your homegirls and then sing hymns on the Sabbath? Do you find yourself running in the direction of what's "trending" or acting a certain way to fit into the category at hand? 

If that sounds familiar, I'm hear to tell you that's probably the reason you're mentally fatigued and drained. It takes a lot of energy and emotions to be more than one person. 
Believe it or not, I know how you feel; being from another country I once felt I'd die if I didn't assimilate! However, what I've found is the beat of my own drum is so much easier to dance to! You can't be everything to everyone anyway so why not figure out who you really want to be and be that! What values to you hold true? What morals are really important to your heart; they may not be popular but they're worth standing on? What personality traits do you want to be known for...violent outbursts, timid interactions or vibrant energy...it's ALL up to you!

I give you permission today to take yourself back under control! Decide who you want to be and stop giving others/pop-culture power to pull your strings and dictate the dance you dance! I challenge you to determine today to be the person you were created and shaped to be; if for no other reason than to have an awesome eulogy (hey...we'll all get one,make it great)!

We've all heard the saying "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything". Well, if you don't know who you are, people will turn you into someone you don't like, are ashamed of, or who is an emotional wreck! Dr. Phil said it best: