It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)

How Do You Love????

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, the displays and ads are in full swing. Every kiss begins with "k" and Dove hopes love is in a box of chocolates! 
With all that society/culture does to help us express love, I truly feel like it all misses the mark.
There are 4 major types of love and 5 Love Languages (we'll talk about next time) and I seriously doubt any of that can be summed in anything from Kay or over a candlelight dinner!
In being our best authentic selves (and allowing others to be the same) let's move past the commercial and get back to the compassion of love expressing!
Let's be willing to tell the significant people in our lives how we truly feel...without regard if they reciprocate! You see, that's the BEST part of love...actually experiencing it! Somebody said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" (put it in the comments if you know where this came from).  When you express your love (any type) towards someone else, it frees your soul; it makes you wanna sing...lol!
I'm not only taking about romantic (eros) love...I'm talking about all kinds to all people (agape)! When you whisper it to your sleeping child (storax), or say it to your best girlfriend at the end of the phone call (philia)...no matter to whom it's expressed, it benefits the giver just as much, if not more, than the receiver!

I challenge you this Valentine's Day (and after) to express love in all ways! Don't allow society to dictate to you how it should be given and definitely not how it's received! Remember, we all express love differently so if you don't receive diamond earrings or a night on the town, that does not mean your significant doesn't love you! 
If you're single at this moment, show love to the people who truly matter in your life. Valentine's Day can even be a pre-mother's/father's day! If you have children, don't leave them out of the love fest! Do something sweet with or for them...or better yet, do something together for someone else! We usually reserve serving during the "holiday" season but what better way to teach them about limitless expressions of love than to offer charity to someone who can't repay you?
For my married couples...make this a season to serve each other! Put aside your selfish desires and serve (wait on, assist, attend to) your mate! Put aside the petty differences and not only express your love but be willing to receive the expression of love they give (remember, they may speak a different love language). 
Just so you know...I'll spend the day doing my usual. I'll buy red, heart-shaped balloons for my kids and hubby! I'll write personal messages and song lyrics on them and tie them to their beds, so they can dream sweet dreams :) We'll have a nice family dinner with everyone's favorites (mostly mine) and it'll be a quiet and fun evening! I'll send out messages of love to my friends, parents and siblings. I have some other things planned but I can't tell here (surprises)! No matter, it's my goal to express every type of love this Valentine's season...all week long! 
Will you join me? Will you get away from the commercialized view of this day and get back to the compassion? Ladies, will you not only look to be served but also be willing to give a little bit of yourself?
I hope you all have a BLESSED and LOVELY Valentine's Day! Next week, we'll talk about the 5 Love Languages...i hope it'll help us understand each other better!