As I'm here thinking of starting a petition for Mother's Month, I'm also reflecting on the adventures of being a married parent! Single parents get a lot of attention but I'm here to tell you, having been both, that being a married parent is just as challenging (IJS)!
Take the other day for example, Bobby had Nygel help him put our king sized mattress back on the bed. I was just coming out the shower and I could hear their voices but not every word. Apparently, Nygel was having trouble gripping the handles on the side and I heard Bobby's voice go from normal to elevated. I poked my head out to see, jump in or whatever (lol).
Bobby was yelling...thankfully it wasn't the angry, "I'm going to kill you" voice but in the "come on you can do it" voice. He was telling Nygel to bend his arm like a bicep curl and to lift while moving the mattress forward. Mind you, the mattress is almost as big as Nygel but he got it! They laughed together and left the room.
As I stood there in the background, I realized something amazing; one of the best things I do for my kids is allow Bobby to be their father! I allow him to teach them, love them and even discipline them the way he thinks best.
I don't disagree with him (too often) in front of the kids because I want them to respect him and trust his decisions. When I catch myself tying to impose my way, I usually try to make a joke so I don't look like helicopter, mama bear, don't mess with my baby--type of mom.
As mothers, it's not always easy to allow dads to step in or take over but we need to. We need to give them and their kids room to learn each other, trust each other and figure out the things we do.
If you're not married, it can seem 10 times harder to have the baby daddy going in and out but if he's showing up...let him! Trust me, I've been there too...I know what I know!
Bobby and I had Cassie before we were married and to add even more drama, we weren't even together anymore when I discovered I was pregnant! We tried to live together as her parents but after a year and a half, we were living apart. I didn't set any limits; Bobby could call me at anytime and come pick Cassie up...we only lived 5 minutes apart. I didn't concern myself with child support, she was mine and I didn't mind supporting her. When she was with him, I didn't even send a baby bag because he was going to make sure he had whatever she needed while in his care.
When he started to see someone else, I didn't like having her with my daughter but I decided to trust her father; Cassie was our baby. He learned quickly how to handle her temperament and how picky she could be from day to day. 15 years later, they have this amazing relationship...they even share the same crazy sense of humor.
(pardon the interruption):
I feel it necessary to explain what I mean by using the word "allow". The way I see it, mothers have a natural way of blocking their kids from harm. Sometimes though, we get our signals crossed and block our kids from the person who brought the rest of the ingredients to the table. We sometimes get emotional about sharing custody because we're still heartbroken that the relationship didn't work. We sometimes think our way is better and instead of letting our partner learn (just like we did), we disrespect them and minimize their contributions.
(back to the regularly scheduled program):
There were many times I wanted to step in when Bobby was dealing with the kids. Times when I thought he was too easy, or too strict, or too rough, etc. etc. I am proud to say that for the most part, I held back...I didn't interfere. A few times when the boys were in their early teens, I gave him complete freedom to handle situations the way he saw fit. It was huge to him...I even remember him being nervous but there was something special about listening to him tell me how he handled it! He gave me the play-by-play and waited for a look of approval (I'm sure that's what his look implied, LOL). He nailed it...better than I ever imagined and I made sure to tell him so!
We don't always get it right as parents so as we finish celebrating moms and prepare to celebrate dads, let's commit to working together! No matter the status of the relationship between the adults, lets be better about allowing each other to be the best parent possible and the only way to do that is with practice.
So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship.
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side!
So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence.
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).
Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward.
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us.
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship!
FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.
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