You need to get a hold of yourself

Sooo...I was talking with my daughter Cassie about sex (I don't understand why adults are uncomfortable about talking about something soo important, natural and amazing) and of course the main theme was abstinence! She asked an interesting question and I realized I'd have to take it deeper to drive the message home: "what if you meet the person you know you're going to marry? Isn't it ok to be with them, you just haven't had the ceremony yet? (0_O)
Thank God I'm a trained psycho-therapist...emphasis on the word PSYCHO! Is she crazy???? Have I taught her nothing??? Hasn't her sister's life taught her nothing??? All those weeks in youth group just disappeared. Seriously though, I was a bit taken back because I thought we'd really been clear and she after all, is the "smart" kid.  
My first task was to clear up what she was hearing elsewhere. See, in public schools, they teach the protection method. Do what you want just make sure you wrap it up! We can see how well that's been working in society...teen pregnancies are still an issue and 1 abortion happens every 26 seconds (fact)! 

The last task was to leave her with something to think about (and plant a seed for the next conversation). Abstinence is not only about sex...it's about everything in our lives that we need to pause from. See, there is a season to abstain from drinking alcohol (if you're going to drive, if you're pregnant), there's a time to abstain from flipping out (you can't fight everyone who pisses you off everywhere you go), there's a time to abstain from saying something hurtful and there's a time to abstain from sex. Everything has it's time and place and the BEST time for sex is with your spouse...it's uninhibited and you won't feel like trash if you wake up and he's gone in the morning (he left for work). Too many young girls (even grown women) are trying to convince themselves that sex has something to do with love...it doesn't!!! People don't have to love each other to satisfy a physical itch...they can be nothing more than two dogs hunching in the backyard (IJS)!  Or it can be an intimate experience between two people who already love each other. And I know, I hear all of you talking about your "committed" relationships. Here's the thing...even in a primitive society, most practices of faith and culture, commitment involves a ceremony of sorts. And I hear the rest of you who were married (committed) and now are not...I hear you. I've been all of the above and it doesn't change my original position. The BEST sex is with your spouse...back to the story.
So I posed a question of my own: if someone knowingly stepped on your foot and completely ignored you would you run them down and kick their buttocks??? Her response..."that would be crazy".  Why? "because it's just not necessary". Even if it really hurt? "some things you just have to move on from, it's going to hurt for awhile but then it stops hurting". B-I-N-G-O!!!
I used her words to help her make sense of it. The desire to have sex can be intense but some things you just have to move on from because before your married, it's just not necessary. The emotional roller coaster and the amount of consequences associated with it are crazy! Be honest, are you proud of ALL you pre-marriage escapades??? Are these the stories you'll tell your own daughter to help guide her into womanhood??? 
I explained to her (and I'm telling you) if you do not make up in your mind in peacetime what you will and won't do, you'll lose the battle during war! This is not a "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" situation. This is a "I will not put myself in a situation that will in any way, shape or form compromise my morals and standards".  No matter what society says! 
I heard a popular radio host +Michael Baisden say the stupidest thing ever regarding teaching abstinence. He said something to the effect of it being crazy to tell kids not to have sex...it's natural and unrealistic because of their raging hormones! Maybe for his daughter but for mine, it's realistic to teach self-control and that's what abstinence is! I teach my kids that they rule their minds (and bodies), not hormones or popular opinion. Sex with multiple people, for multiples reasons is stupid. Learning a little delayed gratification is a skill...it's not popular but it's beneficial!
Having self-control and doing things in a matter befitting a person with self-respect and a concrete value system is preference to me. I know for a fact that if my daughter is able to control herself in this one area, it will spill over to other areas of her life. She'll be more prone to complete goals and finish what she started because when the "feeling" of quitting comes up , she will have already learned the skill of doing what's necessary...not what's comfortable! 

Be an Optimist

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

Songwriters
SMITH, DANIEL

Celebrate

Whitney Houston with Jordin Sparks

(Celebrate is the final song by the American diva. "Celebrate" is featured on the soundtrack of 'Sparkle').

---

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh

Everybody's been so uptight

And forgetting to live the life

Let all the problems get them down

Till they make you wanna shout

See everybody's been down in luck

Now finally things are looking up

The sun is chased all the rain away

No more obstacles in our away

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (that's what I want)

I wanna celebrate (because it's so right)

I celebrate you (I celebrate you, yeah)

There is oh so many of us (that underestimate the power of love)

So much hate going round and I've had enough

I've invited you for the love

Though we been going through changes

Just trying to make it from day to day

Tonight don't you worry about a thing

Just cast your cares away

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (it is what I want)

I wanna celebrate (it's time to celebrate)

I celebrate you, I celebrate you

It's time to celebrate (come on, come on)

Come on and celebrate (don't matter what color you are)

I wanna celebrate (tonight everyone is a star)

I celebrate you, I celebrate you

I'm gonna give you a reason

Why you should clap your hands and jump for joy

There's something we can believe in

Now that the rain is gone we're gonna dance in o a rainbow

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (time to celebrate)

I wanna celebrate (because it's so right)

I celebrate you (I celebrate you)

Celebrate me, celebrate me

It's time to celebrate (time to bring you and me)

Come on and celebrate (don't matter what color you are)

I wanna celebrate (tonight everyone is a star)

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

Songwriters: KELLY, ROBERT S.. 

© Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC.

Lyrics licensed through LyricFind.

You Need Help...

There's soo much going on this week I don't even know where to start. I've had questions posed to me and therapy sessions with random people that the topic for this week has changed so many times. 
Here's what I'm going to tell you this week...Get Help! Everyone that I spoke with this week sought me out to help them tackle a dilemma, solve a problem or give them insight into a situation. Some of it was simple, "hey what do you think about this" type stuff and others were deep, family issues that could have dire consequences!
Before my professional training, I thought it burdensome that people asked for my advice or seemed to constantly want my opinion. It was usually inconvenient and worst of all...pro bono! After realizing I could actually use my skills unselfishly and help people be better, I got to work...literally! 

Although each person I spoke with is pretty educated in their field, well rounded socially and even have a spiritual connection of sorts, they recognized when the situation was beyond their capabilities and reached out.

And here's the thing...We all get there; the point when either we don't have the mental fortitude or the emotional energy to face the problem. We all need to have someone in our corner that we can go to when the going gets tough. We all need someone we can trust with our stuff, someone who will tell us what we need to hear, not only what we want to hear. This is the first step to obtaining peace because when there's a storm brewing on the inside, getting it out lessens the pressure.
Now here's the thing, don't look down on yourself because you need to reach out! Whether it's to a friend or you need to reach higher and seek professional services...weak people don't ask for a helping a hand. Their pride and ego tells them they can handle it on their own and NOTHING good comes from acting on pride. 
 It takes a strong person to swallow that pride and realize the situation isn't only about them...no one is an island! 
So here's my advise: if you need help, ask for it. Crave out the time in your busy schedule and seek the help you need. Remember, sticking your head in the sand won't make the situation disappear. Out of sight isn't always out of mind. Phone a friend or seek a professional; trust your instincts on whom is best equipped to assist with your issue at hand.
AND, If you can be of assistance to someone else, don't be soo busy that you can't lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. We all need each other and I get it, you have your own issues. Don't forget, what you put out into the lives of others truly does come back into your own! 
Be easy & get the help you need!

You Have to Know The Enemy

So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship. 
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side! 

So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence. 
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).  

Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward. 
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us. 
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship! 

FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.

It's You...

Normally I'd be giving you the Saturday song to jam out to but I have to pardon this interruption to address a situation. 

A wonderful woman has posed a question & since I've had the same conversation with 4 others in the last couple weeks, I've decided to answer it here.
This is the question: What do you do when you're tired of your marriage? (I know right...it's serious).
Well, it took me a couple days to really come to an adequate response. I looked at the 5 people I've spoken with on the topic to find a consensus; to see if they had a common thread. One thing they all shared with me was the things about their spouse they didn't like, or how their spouse didn't appreciate, love or respect them. They told me stories and gave me specific examples to help me feel their point of view.
Now, I will tell you that my response is not sugar coated and because I've been married once before and completely understand what went wrong, I can only be honest! First, please know we ALL have ups and downs in our marriage. No one is immune and you're not alone! 

However, when you are tired of the direction your marriage is going, you can make a conscious decision to change the course. It begins with you...you truly do hold the power. You can make a decision to persevere: continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success! OUCH!!! I know...it almost sounds depressing. Here's the thing (and you know I know), that's more a mentality than it is action steps! You have to understand the vows you took are a commitment and you have to choose to make up your mind to continue thru this season of winter...it is the only way to get to spring. Just as with any achievement, you're always 3 feet from gold! If you give up, throw in the towel and walk away, how will you get to success? Your next relationship will be no different because you are no different. Might as well fight for this marriage and get a return on your investment.
The common thread I found with these women was how consumed they were with the issues and their only solution was for their spouse to change...that's not even realistic. See, you can communicate what you need without being consumed by that need. For example, you want your spouse to communicate more. You express that to him. Ok...fine; don't spend everyday moaning and groaning about it. You've expressed your need, carry on. Give him time to process, to understand and to create his own plan of how he can comply. It may not happen the way and/or in the time frame you desire and that's where the "until death do us part" comes into play. It may take awhile...men are slower than us (LOL). Seriously though, in the time you're waiting for him to positively respond to you, be his wife! Love him, respect him and most definitely make love to him. Punishing him in any way, shape or form will backfire, turn you into a nag and drive a deeper wedge between you. Give him some empathy, the things you're asking for may be unexplored territory for him. If you're like the women I've spoken with, you've been marinating on this feeling for awhile and now you expect him to be where you are. Be fair...you've been resenting him since 2012 and now that you've gotten it off your chest, he's suppose to have it figured out?!?! Give him some time and expect a positive result.
I challenge you to live in the vision of who you desire your spouse to be and mentally create the life you want. The mind has a way of shifting our perspective to focus on what we spend the most energy thinking about. So, if you're thinking about and talking about and complaining about what an ass your spouse is, guess what you'll get more of...ass! Focus on his positive qualities (dig as deep as necessary) and speak well of him...especially to others. Life and death are in the tongue and if your spouse is already tearing it down, don't go there...speak life back into your home!
   *** Side note: under no circumstance am I telling you to look the other way for serious, abusive or destructive characteristics. Get professional help***
All of this is to say, the best thing to do if you're tired of your marriage is to realize that it's your own life your actually tired of. Own your feelings, communicate to your spouse anything external that they can do to help you be better, persevere and live in your vision of the life you want and not in your current state of affairs. Your feelings are only an indicator, don't let them take the lead because we can go from the photo above to the one below in the same day when we lead with our feelings. 

Make a conscious, mental decision to say what needs to be said and do what you need to do. Get excited about the future and decide to be committed to your marriage and not simply interested. No matter the mood, don't be consumed with the issues and understand that when you shift, everyone else in your life does too. 

And last but not least...forgive. Linda Dillon said it best, "a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers who commit not to hold a grudge and nurse a hurt but instead to freely forgive their mate, even though sometimes he or she does not deserve forgiveness". That's it...this is all I have to say for now on this. If you have something to add...please don't hold back! Share, comment and express your thoughts below. We'd all love to hear from you. Be well...

Wings (are made to fly)

[All]

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said spread your wings my little butterfly

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And if they give you sh ....

Then they can walk on by

My feet, feet can't touch the ground

And I can't hear a sound

But you just keep on running up your mouth, yeah

Walk, walk on over there

'Cause I'm too fly to care, oh yeah

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know Is, yeah

(Chorus)

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said spread your wings my little butterfly

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And they can't detain you

'Cause wings are made to fly

And we don't let nobody bring us down

No matter what you say it won't hurt me

Don't matter if I fall from the sky

These wings are made to fly

(Hey,hey,woo!)

I'm firing up on that runway

I know we're gonna get there someday

But we don't need no ready steady go, no

Talk, talk turns into air

And I don't even care, oh yeah

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know is

(Chorus)

I don't need no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey

I don't hear no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

You better keep on walking

I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy

You better keep on walking

I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

They're just like water

off my wings

(Chorus)

Songwriters

BUTLER, MISCHKE J. / JAMES, IAIN / BARNES, THOMAS ANDREW SEARLE / KELLEHER, PETER NORMAN CULLEN / KOHN, BEN / NURI, ERIKA F. / EDWARDS, PERRIE / NELSON, JESY / LEWIS, MICHELLE ROBIN / PINNOCK, LEIGH ANNE / ROJAS, HEIDI LISSETT / THIRLWALL, JADE

Published by

Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC