40 Really IS Fabulous!

WOOOOW! Yesterday was my 40th Birthday and I feel like I'm officially in the Grown Woman's Club! I don't have to leave the room when grown-ups are talking...LOL.

Now in case you have not noticed, I don't mind telling you my age. I'm proud of this milestone...especially since I look 27! I've earned this position and I understand that reaching this mile marker is truly a blessing (not everyone gets this far). 

Of course I've been refelecting on my life and I want to share with you some things I've learned along the way:

1. I'm the most important person in my life! I've learned that I cannot be of any good use, for any good length of time, to anyone if I am not at my best. I can't love others while harbouring low self-esteem. I can't take care of anyone if I'm not healthy. I can't serve with integrity when I have neglected my own needs. I am my best for others when I have first taken time to do what I need to do for me. I've learned to put the oxygen mask on myself first.

2. My life is not my own. The things that I experience, the circumstances I witness and even the trials that I face are not only about me or for my life alone. Sometimes, I have to go thru it to be of service to someone else. I've stopped moaning and groaning about life's discomfort...I get intrigued about how it will work out. My dear friend +Tanya King-Lee says everything is either a lesson or a blessing...sometimes it's mine and sometimes it's for me to pass on.

3. My husband +Bobby Barrett is the next most important person to me. I'm developing the habit of letting him know how much he means to me. I know every mother reading this just gasped and held their heart...it's ok, I know how you feel. I felt the same way but what I found was the created doesn't become more important than the creator. We made our kids together so I won't lower his position, at no point does he become less significant. I feel it's my responsibility to teach our kids how important their father is...to me and to them! Even when Bobby and I were seperated, I wanted them to know that without him, there is no them...literally! It has always been important that there is a certain level of respect for him in our home; my kids will respect no one if they do not respect their father. Relationally and spititually, my husband is my other half. It is him that makes me whole (not the kids).


4. Without faith, it is impossible to please God! I officially come out and declare that I believe in God. Jesus provides me salavation, it is by my faith I am saved from my sin and I am sanctified by the Holy Spirit of God! I believe the Bible is the most profound book in all of history and everyone should read it at least once on their life, no matter what they believe. I know that's not popular to say but at this age I'm not trying to win votes...LOL! No matter what happens or doesn't happen in this life, I always maintain my hope for a better future! There has been soo many failures, soo many goals I didn't achieve, soo many opportunities missed but through it allll, I've learned to trust in God! 

5. If it's important, it's worth fighting for. I will not allow apathy to take root! I will fight for everything and everyone that matters. My values and beliefs are important, I will not sit quietly in the corner. 

6. Freedom of speech only works when you actually open your mouth! I've learned to speak from my heart and mind...not from my emotions or whims. Good, bad or somewhere in between; saying what needs to be said is the most honest way to live. My heart is never rude or malicious but remaining silent can be worse...especially when speaking up can resolve a bigger situation. I know the truth can hurt but it can also heal. 

7. My kids are not me. It's my job to train them up in faith, not train them up oppositie of how I was raised and then use them to correct the wrongs of my own childhood. It's my job to correct and guide them to be compassionate, prodcutive members of society. Using them to live out my dreams or living out my missed opportunites through their achievements requires a prescription and an appointment on the couch...in other words, it's crazy!

8.  The past is the past. No matter the abuse, the heartache and the disappointments, I get to choose my today and tomorrows. I have learned that nothing good comes from living in the past. I have found the power I have to choose forgiveness, choose to be better and choose my attitude about it all. It's up to me...no one and nothing can take that away. Nothing can take away my power to choose!

9. One day I will die. I've learned that to live also means to one day not live. When that day comes, I want my leagacy to be that I loved the Lord with all my heart and it was evident in the life I lived and in how I treated people. On that day, I will pass the baton of faith and prayer for my next generation to add to their legacy! When I think about how I want it to be on that day, it reminds me how I need to live this day. It gives me the confidence to live out loud, say what needs to be said and to love people enough to stand in the gap for them!

This first 40 years of my life has been incredibly interesting...rarely a dull moment! I'm blessed beyond measure...my family and friends are the BEST! I imagine the next 40 years will be amazing and although I've learned a lot, I plan to remain green and continue growing. I have a lot of work ahead of me and the fun has just begun! 

What have you learned??? 

If you're already 40 (or over) share with us some of your lessons. Comment below: 

Let Him Be...

As I'm here thinking of starting a petition for Mother's Month, I'm also reflecting on the adventures of being a married parent! Single parents get a lot of attention but I'm here to tell you, having been both, that being a married parent is just as challenging (IJS)!
Take the other day for example, Bobby had Nygel help him put our king sized mattress back on the bed. I was just coming out the shower and I could hear their voices but not every word. Apparently, Nygel was having trouble gripping the handles on the side and I heard Bobby's voice go from normal to elevated. I poked my head out to see, jump in or whatever (lol).
Bobby was yelling...thankfully it wasn't the angry, "I'm going to kill you" voice but in the "come on you can do it" voice. He was telling Nygel to bend his arm like a bicep curl and to lift while moving the mattress forward. Mind you, the mattress is almost as big as Nygel but he got it! They laughed together and left the room. 

As I stood there in the background, I realized something amazing; one of the best things I do for my kids is allow Bobby to be their father! I allow him to teach them, love them and even discipline them the way he thinks best.
I don't disagree with him (too often) in front of the kids because I want them to respect him and trust his decisions. When I catch myself tying to impose my way, I usually try to make a joke so I don't look like helicopter, mama bear, don't mess with my baby--type of mom.
As mothers, it's not always easy to allow dads to step in or take over but we need to. We need to give them and their kids room to learn each other, trust each other and figure out the things we do.

If you're not married, it can seem 10 times harder to have the baby daddy going in and out but if he's showing up...let him! Trust me, I've been there too...I know what I know!
Bobby and I had Cassie before we were married and to add even more drama, we weren't even together anymore when I discovered I was pregnant! We tried to live together as her parents but after a year and a half, we were living apart. I didn't set any limits; Bobby could call me at anytime and come pick Cassie up...we only lived 5 minutes apart. I didn't concern myself with child support, she was mine and I didn't mind supporting her. When she was with him, I didn't even send a baby bag because he was going to make sure he had whatever she needed while in his care. 
When he started to see someone else, I didn't like having her with my daughter but I decided to trust her father; Cassie was our baby. He learned quickly how to handle her temperament and how picky she could be from day to day. 15 years later, they have this amazing relationship...they even share the same crazy sense of humor. 
(pardon the interruption): 
I feel it necessary to explain what I mean by using the word "allow". The way I see it, mothers have a natural way of blocking their kids from harm. Sometimes though, we get our signals crossed and block our kids from the person who brought the rest of the ingredients to the table. We sometimes get emotional about sharing custody because we're still heartbroken that the relationship didn't work. We sometimes think our way is better and instead of letting our partner learn (just like we did), we disrespect them and minimize their contributions. 
(back to the regularly scheduled program): 
There were many times I wanted to step in when Bobby was dealing with the kids. Times when I thought he was too easy, or too strict, or too rough, etc. etc. I am proud to say that for the most part, I held back...I didn't interfere. A few times when the boys were in their early teens, I gave him complete freedom to handle situations the way he saw fit. It was huge to him...I even remember him being nervous but there was something special about listening to him tell me how he handled it! He gave me the play-by-play and waited for a look of approval (I'm sure that's what his look implied, LOL). He nailed it...better than I ever imagined and I made sure to tell him so!
We don't always get it right as parents so as we finish celebrating moms and prepare to celebrate dads, let's commit to working together! No matter the status of the relationship between the adults, lets be better about allowing each other to be the best parent possible and the only way to do that is with practice. 

Mom-hood

“No mother is ever, completely, a child’s idea of what a

mother should be, and I suppose it works the other way around as well. 

But despite everything, we didn’t do badly by one another, 

we did as well as most.”

— Margaret Atwood

I can remember being a young girl and wanting kids. I'm sure most women can recall that period in their history. It's interesting that so many of us have the same thoughts, about the same thing...it probably even happened in a similar manner...dolls! I remember playing with my Barbie dolls, my cabbage patch kid and wanting to care for them; brush their hair, feed them, put on pretty clothes, cuddle them and love them forever! The feeling intensified when my mom was pregnant with my little brother! I couldn't wait to have "my" baby (I use to tell him that after he was born). I LOVED being a big sister and I couldn't wait until I could hold him without having to sit in the sofa. As my brother grew up, I spoiled him...all the way up to his high school years when I paid almost $500 for his class ring! He could have anything he wanted because he was "my" baby!  
When I was pregnant with my 1st child, no one really advised me about the whole process, not even my mom. Friends joked about swollen feet, burping and food cravings. My 40 weeks with Cassie were a breeze! There were days I forgot I was pregnant...the usual reminder was I would get my belly stuck somewhere I couldn't fit thru because I forgot I grew...LOL!
No one warned me post-postpartum depression is real. No one talked about the train wreck of adjusting to a new living arrangement. No one mentioned that I would feel inadequate and no one told me to listen to my intuition...they made the "experts" out to be infallible!

Here are a few things I learned on my own: anyone can be a mother but being a mom isn't for everyone. You can't take advise from everyone who has given birth! Listen to the inner voice, fight whoever you need to do what's best for your kid! The role of mom is modern day slavery...LOL (but seriously)! My husband helped me produce our offspring, don't cut him out...we were 2 before we became 3; he comes first! The sacrifice is HUGE & you don't always get a return on your investment. That's the other side of mom-hood, pouring your heart and soul into a child and having them give it back to you when they're teenagers or adults :/ I mean, give it back...return for refund...I don't want it type of give it back; not reciprocate type of give back (just so we're clear). 
I want to tell you there will be mistakes made and you probably should actually say sorry to your kids when you make those mistakes (especially since that's what you tell them)! Everyone has opinions and there are few hardcore facts because just like every pregnancy...every child is different. The skills you mastered with your 1st born may not be as effective with #2 or #3. You may be too tired if you get a #4 and #5 to even implement any skills (IJS)! 

I want to tell you to enjoy being a mom. It's not all sunshine and cupcakes but if you understand your role, you can be encouraged even in the rough patch! You won't enjoy when they lie and you really won't enjoy when the war rages and you have to be Hitler (invoke tough love) but you've got to be willing to lead with your head AND your heart! Part of your role is to train, guide and assist them from being kids to adults and then passing the baton to them to run their own race. It' s such an interesting position...this role of mom-hood.
I know I'm all over the place with this...that's what children do to you...LOL. They give you a rush of emotions, thoughts and feelings that it's sometime difficult to make sense. I want to wrap up my thoughts with a couple things: 1. if you're a mom now, love your child enough to do the right thing...not the comfortable thing. #2. if you're pregnant now, decide on more than baby names...write down the lessons you want to teach your baby as a guide to always come back to. #3. If you want kids but don't have kids, evaluate your position...not having kids is actually an option (no one ever says that)! There's nothing in the handbook of womanhood that associates your worth with your ability to reproduce. Don't live in envy...the foot shouldn't say I wish I were a hand instead. We all have our unique roles in this world. On the other hand, if you want kids...get kids. Our oldest daughter came into our family via foster care...I love her passionately! Again, evaluate your true intention...birth isn't the only way to have a child. On the other hand, be open to love the children placed in your life. It takes a village to raise a child and your nieces, nephews and friends' child needs your love and guidance just the same. Don't discount what you offer them...sometimes it's more special than the relationship they have with their parents; they cherish you because they know you don't "have to"! On the other hand, keep your dream in your heart...life is full of surprises.Where there's life, there's hope :)

Robert, Desmond, Nygel, Tay, Cassie & Monique

I'm a mom to 6 people. 1st to my husband's 3 kids. Then 2 biological and 1 adopted! If there's something you want to know about being a mom, I'm positive I've experienced it and I can offer some insight. Ask me ANYTHING...

You need to get a hold of yourself

Sooo...I was talking with my daughter Cassie about sex (I don't understand why adults are uncomfortable about talking about something soo important, natural and amazing) and of course the main theme was abstinence! She asked an interesting question and I realized I'd have to take it deeper to drive the message home: "what if you meet the person you know you're going to marry? Isn't it ok to be with them, you just haven't had the ceremony yet? (0_O)
Thank God I'm a trained psycho-therapist...emphasis on the word PSYCHO! Is she crazy???? Have I taught her nothing??? Hasn't her sister's life taught her nothing??? All those weeks in youth group just disappeared. Seriously though, I was a bit taken back because I thought we'd really been clear and she after all, is the "smart" kid.  
My first task was to clear up what she was hearing elsewhere. See, in public schools, they teach the protection method. Do what you want just make sure you wrap it up! We can see how well that's been working in society...teen pregnancies are still an issue and 1 abortion happens every 26 seconds (fact)! 

The last task was to leave her with something to think about (and plant a seed for the next conversation). Abstinence is not only about sex...it's about everything in our lives that we need to pause from. See, there is a season to abstain from drinking alcohol (if you're going to drive, if you're pregnant), there's a time to abstain from flipping out (you can't fight everyone who pisses you off everywhere you go), there's a time to abstain from saying something hurtful and there's a time to abstain from sex. Everything has it's time and place and the BEST time for sex is with your spouse...it's uninhibited and you won't feel like trash if you wake up and he's gone in the morning (he left for work). Too many young girls (even grown women) are trying to convince themselves that sex has something to do with love...it doesn't!!! People don't have to love each other to satisfy a physical itch...they can be nothing more than two dogs hunching in the backyard (IJS)!  Or it can be an intimate experience between two people who already love each other. And I know, I hear all of you talking about your "committed" relationships. Here's the thing...even in a primitive society, most practices of faith and culture, commitment involves a ceremony of sorts. And I hear the rest of you who were married (committed) and now are not...I hear you. I've been all of the above and it doesn't change my original position. The BEST sex is with your spouse...back to the story.
So I posed a question of my own: if someone knowingly stepped on your foot and completely ignored you would you run them down and kick their buttocks??? Her response..."that would be crazy".  Why? "because it's just not necessary". Even if it really hurt? "some things you just have to move on from, it's going to hurt for awhile but then it stops hurting". B-I-N-G-O!!!
I used her words to help her make sense of it. The desire to have sex can be intense but some things you just have to move on from because before your married, it's just not necessary. The emotional roller coaster and the amount of consequences associated with it are crazy! Be honest, are you proud of ALL you pre-marriage escapades??? Are these the stories you'll tell your own daughter to help guide her into womanhood??? 
I explained to her (and I'm telling you) if you do not make up in your mind in peacetime what you will and won't do, you'll lose the battle during war! This is not a "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" situation. This is a "I will not put myself in a situation that will in any way, shape or form compromise my morals and standards".  No matter what society says! 
I heard a popular radio host +Michael Baisden say the stupidest thing ever regarding teaching abstinence. He said something to the effect of it being crazy to tell kids not to have sex...it's natural and unrealistic because of their raging hormones! Maybe for his daughter but for mine, it's realistic to teach self-control and that's what abstinence is! I teach my kids that they rule their minds (and bodies), not hormones or popular opinion. Sex with multiple people, for multiples reasons is stupid. Learning a little delayed gratification is a skill...it's not popular but it's beneficial!
Having self-control and doing things in a matter befitting a person with self-respect and a concrete value system is preference to me. I know for a fact that if my daughter is able to control herself in this one area, it will spill over to other areas of her life. She'll be more prone to complete goals and finish what she started because when the "feeling" of quitting comes up , she will have already learned the skill of doing what's necessary...not what's comfortable! 

Be an Optimist

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

Songwriters
SMITH, DANIEL

Celebrate

Whitney Houston with Jordin Sparks

(Celebrate is the final song by the American diva. "Celebrate" is featured on the soundtrack of 'Sparkle').

---

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh

Everybody's been so uptight

And forgetting to live the life

Let all the problems get them down

Till they make you wanna shout

See everybody's been down in luck

Now finally things are looking up

The sun is chased all the rain away

No more obstacles in our away

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (that's what I want)

I wanna celebrate (because it's so right)

I celebrate you (I celebrate you, yeah)

There is oh so many of us (that underestimate the power of love)

So much hate going round and I've had enough

I've invited you for the love

Though we been going through changes

Just trying to make it from day to day

Tonight don't you worry about a thing

Just cast your cares away

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (it is what I want)

I wanna celebrate (it's time to celebrate)

I celebrate you, I celebrate you

It's time to celebrate (come on, come on)

Come on and celebrate (don't matter what color you are)

I wanna celebrate (tonight everyone is a star)

I celebrate you, I celebrate you

I'm gonna give you a reason

Why you should clap your hands and jump for joy

There's something we can believe in

Now that the rain is gone we're gonna dance in o a rainbow

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (time to celebrate)

I wanna celebrate (because it's so right)

I celebrate you (I celebrate you)

Celebrate me, celebrate me

It's time to celebrate (time to bring you and me)

Come on and celebrate (don't matter what color you are)

I wanna celebrate (tonight everyone is a star)

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

Songwriters: KELLY, ROBERT S.. 

© Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC.

Lyrics licensed through LyricFind.

You Need Help...

There's soo much going on this week I don't even know where to start. I've had questions posed to me and therapy sessions with random people that the topic for this week has changed so many times. 
Here's what I'm going to tell you this week...Get Help! Everyone that I spoke with this week sought me out to help them tackle a dilemma, solve a problem or give them insight into a situation. Some of it was simple, "hey what do you think about this" type stuff and others were deep, family issues that could have dire consequences!
Before my professional training, I thought it burdensome that people asked for my advice or seemed to constantly want my opinion. It was usually inconvenient and worst of all...pro bono! After realizing I could actually use my skills unselfishly and help people be better, I got to work...literally! 

Although each person I spoke with is pretty educated in their field, well rounded socially and even have a spiritual connection of sorts, they recognized when the situation was beyond their capabilities and reached out.

And here's the thing...We all get there; the point when either we don't have the mental fortitude or the emotional energy to face the problem. We all need to have someone in our corner that we can go to when the going gets tough. We all need someone we can trust with our stuff, someone who will tell us what we need to hear, not only what we want to hear. This is the first step to obtaining peace because when there's a storm brewing on the inside, getting it out lessens the pressure.
Now here's the thing, don't look down on yourself because you need to reach out! Whether it's to a friend or you need to reach higher and seek professional services...weak people don't ask for a helping a hand. Their pride and ego tells them they can handle it on their own and NOTHING good comes from acting on pride. 
 It takes a strong person to swallow that pride and realize the situation isn't only about them...no one is an island! 
So here's my advise: if you need help, ask for it. Crave out the time in your busy schedule and seek the help you need. Remember, sticking your head in the sand won't make the situation disappear. Out of sight isn't always out of mind. Phone a friend or seek a professional; trust your instincts on whom is best equipped to assist with your issue at hand.
AND, If you can be of assistance to someone else, don't be soo busy that you can't lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. We all need each other and I get it, you have your own issues. Don't forget, what you put out into the lives of others truly does come back into your own! 
Be easy & get the help you need!