40 Really IS Fabulous!

WOOOOW! Yesterday was my 40th Birthday and I feel like I'm officially in the Grown Woman's Club! I don't have to leave the room when grown-ups are talking...LOL.

Now in case you have not noticed, I don't mind telling you my age. I'm proud of this milestone...especially since I look 27! I've earned this position and I understand that reaching this mile marker is truly a blessing (not everyone gets this far). 

Of course I've been refelecting on my life and I want to share with you some things I've learned along the way:

1. I'm the most important person in my life! I've learned that I cannot be of any good use, for any good length of time, to anyone if I am not at my best. I can't love others while harbouring low self-esteem. I can't take care of anyone if I'm not healthy. I can't serve with integrity when I have neglected my own needs. I am my best for others when I have first taken time to do what I need to do for me. I've learned to put the oxygen mask on myself first.

2. My life is not my own. The things that I experience, the circumstances I witness and even the trials that I face are not only about me or for my life alone. Sometimes, I have to go thru it to be of service to someone else. I've stopped moaning and groaning about life's discomfort...I get intrigued about how it will work out. My dear friend +Tanya King-Lee says everything is either a lesson or a blessing...sometimes it's mine and sometimes it's for me to pass on.

3. My husband +Bobby Barrett is the next most important person to me. I'm developing the habit of letting him know how much he means to me. I know every mother reading this just gasped and held their heart...it's ok, I know how you feel. I felt the same way but what I found was the created doesn't become more important than the creator. We made our kids together so I won't lower his position, at no point does he become less significant. I feel it's my responsibility to teach our kids how important their father is...to me and to them! Even when Bobby and I were seperated, I wanted them to know that without him, there is no them...literally! It has always been important that there is a certain level of respect for him in our home; my kids will respect no one if they do not respect their father. Relationally and spititually, my husband is my other half. It is him that makes me whole (not the kids).


4. Without faith, it is impossible to please God! I officially come out and declare that I believe in God. Jesus provides me salavation, it is by my faith I am saved from my sin and I am sanctified by the Holy Spirit of God! I believe the Bible is the most profound book in all of history and everyone should read it at least once on their life, no matter what they believe. I know that's not popular to say but at this age I'm not trying to win votes...LOL! No matter what happens or doesn't happen in this life, I always maintain my hope for a better future! There has been soo many failures, soo many goals I didn't achieve, soo many opportunities missed but through it allll, I've learned to trust in God! 

5. If it's important, it's worth fighting for. I will not allow apathy to take root! I will fight for everything and everyone that matters. My values and beliefs are important, I will not sit quietly in the corner. 

6. Freedom of speech only works when you actually open your mouth! I've learned to speak from my heart and mind...not from my emotions or whims. Good, bad or somewhere in between; saying what needs to be said is the most honest way to live. My heart is never rude or malicious but remaining silent can be worse...especially when speaking up can resolve a bigger situation. I know the truth can hurt but it can also heal. 

7. My kids are not me. It's my job to train them up in faith, not train them up oppositie of how I was raised and then use them to correct the wrongs of my own childhood. It's my job to correct and guide them to be compassionate, prodcutive members of society. Using them to live out my dreams or living out my missed opportunites through their achievements requires a prescription and an appointment on the couch...in other words, it's crazy!

8.  The past is the past. No matter the abuse, the heartache and the disappointments, I get to choose my today and tomorrows. I have learned that nothing good comes from living in the past. I have found the power I have to choose forgiveness, choose to be better and choose my attitude about it all. It's up to me...no one and nothing can take that away. Nothing can take away my power to choose!

9. One day I will die. I've learned that to live also means to one day not live. When that day comes, I want my leagacy to be that I loved the Lord with all my heart and it was evident in the life I lived and in how I treated people. On that day, I will pass the baton of faith and prayer for my next generation to add to their legacy! When I think about how I want it to be on that day, it reminds me how I need to live this day. It gives me the confidence to live out loud, say what needs to be said and to love people enough to stand in the gap for them!

This first 40 years of my life has been incredibly interesting...rarely a dull moment! I'm blessed beyond measure...my family and friends are the BEST! I imagine the next 40 years will be amazing and although I've learned a lot, I plan to remain green and continue growing. I have a lot of work ahead of me and the fun has just begun! 

What have you learned??? 

If you're already 40 (or over) share with us some of your lessons. Comment below: 

Let Him Be...

As I'm here thinking of starting a petition for Mother's Month, I'm also reflecting on the adventures of being a married parent! Single parents get a lot of attention but I'm here to tell you, having been both, that being a married parent is just as challenging (IJS)!
Take the other day for example, Bobby had Nygel help him put our king sized mattress back on the bed. I was just coming out the shower and I could hear their voices but not every word. Apparently, Nygel was having trouble gripping the handles on the side and I heard Bobby's voice go from normal to elevated. I poked my head out to see, jump in or whatever (lol).
Bobby was yelling...thankfully it wasn't the angry, "I'm going to kill you" voice but in the "come on you can do it" voice. He was telling Nygel to bend his arm like a bicep curl and to lift while moving the mattress forward. Mind you, the mattress is almost as big as Nygel but he got it! They laughed together and left the room. 

As I stood there in the background, I realized something amazing; one of the best things I do for my kids is allow Bobby to be their father! I allow him to teach them, love them and even discipline them the way he thinks best.
I don't disagree with him (too often) in front of the kids because I want them to respect him and trust his decisions. When I catch myself tying to impose my way, I usually try to make a joke so I don't look like helicopter, mama bear, don't mess with my baby--type of mom.
As mothers, it's not always easy to allow dads to step in or take over but we need to. We need to give them and their kids room to learn each other, trust each other and figure out the things we do.

If you're not married, it can seem 10 times harder to have the baby daddy going in and out but if he's showing up...let him! Trust me, I've been there too...I know what I know!
Bobby and I had Cassie before we were married and to add even more drama, we weren't even together anymore when I discovered I was pregnant! We tried to live together as her parents but after a year and a half, we were living apart. I didn't set any limits; Bobby could call me at anytime and come pick Cassie up...we only lived 5 minutes apart. I didn't concern myself with child support, she was mine and I didn't mind supporting her. When she was with him, I didn't even send a baby bag because he was going to make sure he had whatever she needed while in his care. 
When he started to see someone else, I didn't like having her with my daughter but I decided to trust her father; Cassie was our baby. He learned quickly how to handle her temperament and how picky she could be from day to day. 15 years later, they have this amazing relationship...they even share the same crazy sense of humor. 
(pardon the interruption): 
I feel it necessary to explain what I mean by using the word "allow". The way I see it, mothers have a natural way of blocking their kids from harm. Sometimes though, we get our signals crossed and block our kids from the person who brought the rest of the ingredients to the table. We sometimes get emotional about sharing custody because we're still heartbroken that the relationship didn't work. We sometimes think our way is better and instead of letting our partner learn (just like we did), we disrespect them and minimize their contributions. 
(back to the regularly scheduled program): 
There were many times I wanted to step in when Bobby was dealing with the kids. Times when I thought he was too easy, or too strict, or too rough, etc. etc. I am proud to say that for the most part, I held back...I didn't interfere. A few times when the boys were in their early teens, I gave him complete freedom to handle situations the way he saw fit. It was huge to him...I even remember him being nervous but there was something special about listening to him tell me how he handled it! He gave me the play-by-play and waited for a look of approval (I'm sure that's what his look implied, LOL). He nailed it...better than I ever imagined and I made sure to tell him so!
We don't always get it right as parents so as we finish celebrating moms and prepare to celebrate dads, let's commit to working together! No matter the status of the relationship between the adults, lets be better about allowing each other to be the best parent possible and the only way to do that is with practice. 

Mom-hood

“No mother is ever, completely, a child’s idea of what a

mother should be, and I suppose it works the other way around as well. 

But despite everything, we didn’t do badly by one another, 

we did as well as most.”

— Margaret Atwood

I can remember being a young girl and wanting kids. I'm sure most women can recall that period in their history. It's interesting that so many of us have the same thoughts, about the same thing...it probably even happened in a similar manner...dolls! I remember playing with my Barbie dolls, my cabbage patch kid and wanting to care for them; brush their hair, feed them, put on pretty clothes, cuddle them and love them forever! The feeling intensified when my mom was pregnant with my little brother! I couldn't wait to have "my" baby (I use to tell him that after he was born). I LOVED being a big sister and I couldn't wait until I could hold him without having to sit in the sofa. As my brother grew up, I spoiled him...all the way up to his high school years when I paid almost $500 for his class ring! He could have anything he wanted because he was "my" baby!  
When I was pregnant with my 1st child, no one really advised me about the whole process, not even my mom. Friends joked about swollen feet, burping and food cravings. My 40 weeks with Cassie were a breeze! There were days I forgot I was pregnant...the usual reminder was I would get my belly stuck somewhere I couldn't fit thru because I forgot I grew...LOL!
No one warned me post-postpartum depression is real. No one talked about the train wreck of adjusting to a new living arrangement. No one mentioned that I would feel inadequate and no one told me to listen to my intuition...they made the "experts" out to be infallible!

Here are a few things I learned on my own: anyone can be a mother but being a mom isn't for everyone. You can't take advise from everyone who has given birth! Listen to the inner voice, fight whoever you need to do what's best for your kid! The role of mom is modern day slavery...LOL (but seriously)! My husband helped me produce our offspring, don't cut him out...we were 2 before we became 3; he comes first! The sacrifice is HUGE & you don't always get a return on your investment. That's the other side of mom-hood, pouring your heart and soul into a child and having them give it back to you when they're teenagers or adults :/ I mean, give it back...return for refund...I don't want it type of give it back; not reciprocate type of give back (just so we're clear). 
I want to tell you there will be mistakes made and you probably should actually say sorry to your kids when you make those mistakes (especially since that's what you tell them)! Everyone has opinions and there are few hardcore facts because just like every pregnancy...every child is different. The skills you mastered with your 1st born may not be as effective with #2 or #3. You may be too tired if you get a #4 and #5 to even implement any skills (IJS)! 

I want to tell you to enjoy being a mom. It's not all sunshine and cupcakes but if you understand your role, you can be encouraged even in the rough patch! You won't enjoy when they lie and you really won't enjoy when the war rages and you have to be Hitler (invoke tough love) but you've got to be willing to lead with your head AND your heart! Part of your role is to train, guide and assist them from being kids to adults and then passing the baton to them to run their own race. It' s such an interesting position...this role of mom-hood.
I know I'm all over the place with this...that's what children do to you...LOL. They give you a rush of emotions, thoughts and feelings that it's sometime difficult to make sense. I want to wrap up my thoughts with a couple things: 1. if you're a mom now, love your child enough to do the right thing...not the comfortable thing. #2. if you're pregnant now, decide on more than baby names...write down the lessons you want to teach your baby as a guide to always come back to. #3. If you want kids but don't have kids, evaluate your position...not having kids is actually an option (no one ever says that)! There's nothing in the handbook of womanhood that associates your worth with your ability to reproduce. Don't live in envy...the foot shouldn't say I wish I were a hand instead. We all have our unique roles in this world. On the other hand, if you want kids...get kids. Our oldest daughter came into our family via foster care...I love her passionately! Again, evaluate your true intention...birth isn't the only way to have a child. On the other hand, be open to love the children placed in your life. It takes a village to raise a child and your nieces, nephews and friends' child needs your love and guidance just the same. Don't discount what you offer them...sometimes it's more special than the relationship they have with their parents; they cherish you because they know you don't "have to"! On the other hand, keep your dream in your heart...life is full of surprises.Where there's life, there's hope :)

Robert, Desmond, Nygel, Tay, Cassie & Monique

I'm a mom to 6 people. 1st to my husband's 3 kids. Then 2 biological and 1 adopted! If there's something you want to know about being a mom, I'm positive I've experienced it and I can offer some insight. Ask me ANYTHING...

You need to get a hold of yourself

Sooo...I was talking with my daughter Cassie about sex (I don't understand why adults are uncomfortable about talking about something soo important, natural and amazing) and of course the main theme was abstinence! She asked an interesting question and I realized I'd have to take it deeper to drive the message home: "what if you meet the person you know you're going to marry? Isn't it ok to be with them, you just haven't had the ceremony yet? (0_O)
Thank God I'm a trained psycho-therapist...emphasis on the word PSYCHO! Is she crazy???? Have I taught her nothing??? Hasn't her sister's life taught her nothing??? All those weeks in youth group just disappeared. Seriously though, I was a bit taken back because I thought we'd really been clear and she after all, is the "smart" kid.  
My first task was to clear up what she was hearing elsewhere. See, in public schools, they teach the protection method. Do what you want just make sure you wrap it up! We can see how well that's been working in society...teen pregnancies are still an issue and 1 abortion happens every 26 seconds (fact)! 

The last task was to leave her with something to think about (and plant a seed for the next conversation). Abstinence is not only about sex...it's about everything in our lives that we need to pause from. See, there is a season to abstain from drinking alcohol (if you're going to drive, if you're pregnant), there's a time to abstain from flipping out (you can't fight everyone who pisses you off everywhere you go), there's a time to abstain from saying something hurtful and there's a time to abstain from sex. Everything has it's time and place and the BEST time for sex is with your spouse...it's uninhibited and you won't feel like trash if you wake up and he's gone in the morning (he left for work). Too many young girls (even grown women) are trying to convince themselves that sex has something to do with love...it doesn't!!! People don't have to love each other to satisfy a physical itch...they can be nothing more than two dogs hunching in the backyard (IJS)!  Or it can be an intimate experience between two people who already love each other. And I know, I hear all of you talking about your "committed" relationships. Here's the thing...even in a primitive society, most practices of faith and culture, commitment involves a ceremony of sorts. And I hear the rest of you who were married (committed) and now are not...I hear you. I've been all of the above and it doesn't change my original position. The BEST sex is with your spouse...back to the story.
So I posed a question of my own: if someone knowingly stepped on your foot and completely ignored you would you run them down and kick their buttocks??? Her response..."that would be crazy".  Why? "because it's just not necessary". Even if it really hurt? "some things you just have to move on from, it's going to hurt for awhile but then it stops hurting". B-I-N-G-O!!!
I used her words to help her make sense of it. The desire to have sex can be intense but some things you just have to move on from because before your married, it's just not necessary. The emotional roller coaster and the amount of consequences associated with it are crazy! Be honest, are you proud of ALL you pre-marriage escapades??? Are these the stories you'll tell your own daughter to help guide her into womanhood??? 
I explained to her (and I'm telling you) if you do not make up in your mind in peacetime what you will and won't do, you'll lose the battle during war! This is not a "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" situation. This is a "I will not put myself in a situation that will in any way, shape or form compromise my morals and standards".  No matter what society says! 
I heard a popular radio host +Michael Baisden say the stupidest thing ever regarding teaching abstinence. He said something to the effect of it being crazy to tell kids not to have sex...it's natural and unrealistic because of their raging hormones! Maybe for his daughter but for mine, it's realistic to teach self-control and that's what abstinence is! I teach my kids that they rule their minds (and bodies), not hormones or popular opinion. Sex with multiple people, for multiples reasons is stupid. Learning a little delayed gratification is a skill...it's not popular but it's beneficial!
Having self-control and doing things in a matter befitting a person with self-respect and a concrete value system is preference to me. I know for a fact that if my daughter is able to control herself in this one area, it will spill over to other areas of her life. She'll be more prone to complete goals and finish what she started because when the "feeling" of quitting comes up , she will have already learned the skill of doing what's necessary...not what's comfortable! 

Be an Optimist

I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices

In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

Oh where do we begin?

The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Rain clouds roll over the hills

Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

Songwriters
SMITH, DANIEL

Celebrate

Whitney Houston with Jordin Sparks

(Celebrate is the final song by the American diva. "Celebrate" is featured on the soundtrack of 'Sparkle').

---

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh

Everybody's been so uptight

And forgetting to live the life

Let all the problems get them down

Till they make you wanna shout

See everybody's been down in luck

Now finally things are looking up

The sun is chased all the rain away

No more obstacles in our away

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (that's what I want)

I wanna celebrate (because it's so right)

I celebrate you (I celebrate you, yeah)

There is oh so many of us (that underestimate the power of love)

So much hate going round and I've had enough

I've invited you for the love

Though we been going through changes

Just trying to make it from day to day

Tonight don't you worry about a thing

Just cast your cares away

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (it is what I want)

I wanna celebrate (it's time to celebrate)

I celebrate you, I celebrate you

It's time to celebrate (come on, come on)

Come on and celebrate (don't matter what color you are)

I wanna celebrate (tonight everyone is a star)

I celebrate you, I celebrate you

I'm gonna give you a reason

Why you should clap your hands and jump for joy

There's something we can believe in

Now that the rain is gone we're gonna dance in o a rainbow

It's time to celebrate (come on, yeah)

Come on and celebrate (time to celebrate)

I wanna celebrate (because it's so right)

I celebrate you (I celebrate you)

Celebrate me, celebrate me

It's time to celebrate (time to bring you and me)

Come on and celebrate (don't matter what color you are)

I wanna celebrate (tonight everyone is a star)

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

It's time to celebrate

Come on and celebrate

I wanna celebrate

I celebrate you, you celebrate me

Songwriters: KELLY, ROBERT S.. 

© Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC.

Lyrics licensed through LyricFind.

You Need Help...

There's soo much going on this week I don't even know where to start. I've had questions posed to me and therapy sessions with random people that the topic for this week has changed so many times. 
Here's what I'm going to tell you this week...Get Help! Everyone that I spoke with this week sought me out to help them tackle a dilemma, solve a problem or give them insight into a situation. Some of it was simple, "hey what do you think about this" type stuff and others were deep, family issues that could have dire consequences!
Before my professional training, I thought it burdensome that people asked for my advice or seemed to constantly want my opinion. It was usually inconvenient and worst of all...pro bono! After realizing I could actually use my skills unselfishly and help people be better, I got to work...literally! 

Although each person I spoke with is pretty educated in their field, well rounded socially and even have a spiritual connection of sorts, they recognized when the situation was beyond their capabilities and reached out.

And here's the thing...We all get there; the point when either we don't have the mental fortitude or the emotional energy to face the problem. We all need to have someone in our corner that we can go to when the going gets tough. We all need someone we can trust with our stuff, someone who will tell us what we need to hear, not only what we want to hear. This is the first step to obtaining peace because when there's a storm brewing on the inside, getting it out lessens the pressure.
Now here's the thing, don't look down on yourself because you need to reach out! Whether it's to a friend or you need to reach higher and seek professional services...weak people don't ask for a helping a hand. Their pride and ego tells them they can handle it on their own and NOTHING good comes from acting on pride. 
 It takes a strong person to swallow that pride and realize the situation isn't only about them...no one is an island! 
So here's my advise: if you need help, ask for it. Crave out the time in your busy schedule and seek the help you need. Remember, sticking your head in the sand won't make the situation disappear. Out of sight isn't always out of mind. Phone a friend or seek a professional; trust your instincts on whom is best equipped to assist with your issue at hand.
AND, If you can be of assistance to someone else, don't be soo busy that you can't lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. We all need each other and I get it, you have your own issues. Don't forget, what you put out into the lives of others truly does come back into your own! 
Be easy & get the help you need!

You Have to Know The Enemy

So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship. 
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side! 

So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence. 
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).  

Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward. 
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us. 
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship! 

FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.

It's You...

Normally I'd be giving you the Saturday song to jam out to but I have to pardon this interruption to address a situation. 

A wonderful woman has posed a question & since I've had the same conversation with 4 others in the last couple weeks, I've decided to answer it here.
This is the question: What do you do when you're tired of your marriage? (I know right...it's serious).
Well, it took me a couple days to really come to an adequate response. I looked at the 5 people I've spoken with on the topic to find a consensus; to see if they had a common thread. One thing they all shared with me was the things about their spouse they didn't like, or how their spouse didn't appreciate, love or respect them. They told me stories and gave me specific examples to help me feel their point of view.
Now, I will tell you that my response is not sugar coated and because I've been married once before and completely understand what went wrong, I can only be honest! First, please know we ALL have ups and downs in our marriage. No one is immune and you're not alone! 

However, when you are tired of the direction your marriage is going, you can make a conscious decision to change the course. It begins with you...you truly do hold the power. You can make a decision to persevere: continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success! OUCH!!! I know...it almost sounds depressing. Here's the thing (and you know I know), that's more a mentality than it is action steps! You have to understand the vows you took are a commitment and you have to choose to make up your mind to continue thru this season of winter...it is the only way to get to spring. Just as with any achievement, you're always 3 feet from gold! If you give up, throw in the towel and walk away, how will you get to success? Your next relationship will be no different because you are no different. Might as well fight for this marriage and get a return on your investment.
The common thread I found with these women was how consumed they were with the issues and their only solution was for their spouse to change...that's not even realistic. See, you can communicate what you need without being consumed by that need. For example, you want your spouse to communicate more. You express that to him. Ok...fine; don't spend everyday moaning and groaning about it. You've expressed your need, carry on. Give him time to process, to understand and to create his own plan of how he can comply. It may not happen the way and/or in the time frame you desire and that's where the "until death do us part" comes into play. It may take awhile...men are slower than us (LOL). Seriously though, in the time you're waiting for him to positively respond to you, be his wife! Love him, respect him and most definitely make love to him. Punishing him in any way, shape or form will backfire, turn you into a nag and drive a deeper wedge between you. Give him some empathy, the things you're asking for may be unexplored territory for him. If you're like the women I've spoken with, you've been marinating on this feeling for awhile and now you expect him to be where you are. Be fair...you've been resenting him since 2012 and now that you've gotten it off your chest, he's suppose to have it figured out?!?! Give him some time and expect a positive result.
I challenge you to live in the vision of who you desire your spouse to be and mentally create the life you want. The mind has a way of shifting our perspective to focus on what we spend the most energy thinking about. So, if you're thinking about and talking about and complaining about what an ass your spouse is, guess what you'll get more of...ass! Focus on his positive qualities (dig as deep as necessary) and speak well of him...especially to others. Life and death are in the tongue and if your spouse is already tearing it down, don't go there...speak life back into your home!
   *** Side note: under no circumstance am I telling you to look the other way for serious, abusive or destructive characteristics. Get professional help***
All of this is to say, the best thing to do if you're tired of your marriage is to realize that it's your own life your actually tired of. Own your feelings, communicate to your spouse anything external that they can do to help you be better, persevere and live in your vision of the life you want and not in your current state of affairs. Your feelings are only an indicator, don't let them take the lead because we can go from the photo above to the one below in the same day when we lead with our feelings. 

Make a conscious, mental decision to say what needs to be said and do what you need to do. Get excited about the future and decide to be committed to your marriage and not simply interested. No matter the mood, don't be consumed with the issues and understand that when you shift, everyone else in your life does too. 

And last but not least...forgive. Linda Dillon said it best, "a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers who commit not to hold a grudge and nurse a hurt but instead to freely forgive their mate, even though sometimes he or she does not deserve forgiveness". That's it...this is all I have to say for now on this. If you have something to add...please don't hold back! Share, comment and express your thoughts below. We'd all love to hear from you. Be well...

Wings (are made to fly)

[All]

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said spread your wings my little butterfly

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And if they give you sh ....

Then they can walk on by

My feet, feet can't touch the ground

And I can't hear a sound

But you just keep on running up your mouth, yeah

Walk, walk on over there

'Cause I'm too fly to care, oh yeah

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know Is, yeah

(Chorus)

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said spread your wings my little butterfly

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And they can't detain you

'Cause wings are made to fly

And we don't let nobody bring us down

No matter what you say it won't hurt me

Don't matter if I fall from the sky

These wings are made to fly

(Hey,hey,woo!)

I'm firing up on that runway

I know we're gonna get there someday

But we don't need no ready steady go, no

Talk, talk turns into air

And I don't even care, oh yeah

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know is

(Chorus)

I don't need no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey

I don't hear no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

You better keep on walking

I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy

You better keep on walking

I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

They're just like water

off my wings

(Chorus)

Songwriters

BUTLER, MISCHKE J. / JAMES, IAIN / BARNES, THOMAS ANDREW SEARLE / KELLEHER, PETER NORMAN CULLEN / KOHN, BEN / NURI, ERIKA F. / EDWARDS, PERRIE / NELSON, JESY / LEWIS, MICHELLE ROBIN / PINNOCK, LEIGH ANNE / ROJAS, HEIDI LISSETT / THIRLWALL, JADE

Published by

Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)