It's You...

Normally I'd be giving you the Saturday song to jam out to but I have to pardon this interruption to address a situation. 

A wonderful woman has posed a question & since I've had the same conversation with 4 others in the last couple weeks, I've decided to answer it here.
This is the question: What do you do when you're tired of your marriage? (I know right...it's serious).
Well, it took me a couple days to really come to an adequate response. I looked at the 5 people I've spoken with on the topic to find a consensus; to see if they had a common thread. One thing they all shared with me was the things about their spouse they didn't like, or how their spouse didn't appreciate, love or respect them. They told me stories and gave me specific examples to help me feel their point of view.
Now, I will tell you that my response is not sugar coated and because I've been married once before and completely understand what went wrong, I can only be honest! First, please know we ALL have ups and downs in our marriage. No one is immune and you're not alone! 

However, when you are tired of the direction your marriage is going, you can make a conscious decision to change the course. It begins with you...you truly do hold the power. You can make a decision to persevere: continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success! OUCH!!! I know...it almost sounds depressing. Here's the thing (and you know I know), that's more a mentality than it is action steps! You have to understand the vows you took are a commitment and you have to choose to make up your mind to continue thru this season of winter...it is the only way to get to spring. Just as with any achievement, you're always 3 feet from gold! If you give up, throw in the towel and walk away, how will you get to success? Your next relationship will be no different because you are no different. Might as well fight for this marriage and get a return on your investment.
The common thread I found with these women was how consumed they were with the issues and their only solution was for their spouse to change...that's not even realistic. See, you can communicate what you need without being consumed by that need. For example, you want your spouse to communicate more. You express that to him. Ok...fine; don't spend everyday moaning and groaning about it. You've expressed your need, carry on. Give him time to process, to understand and to create his own plan of how he can comply. It may not happen the way and/or in the time frame you desire and that's where the "until death do us part" comes into play. It may take awhile...men are slower than us (LOL). Seriously though, in the time you're waiting for him to positively respond to you, be his wife! Love him, respect him and most definitely make love to him. Punishing him in any way, shape or form will backfire, turn you into a nag and drive a deeper wedge between you. Give him some empathy, the things you're asking for may be unexplored territory for him. If you're like the women I've spoken with, you've been marinating on this feeling for awhile and now you expect him to be where you are. Be fair...you've been resenting him since 2012 and now that you've gotten it off your chest, he's suppose to have it figured out?!?! Give him some time and expect a positive result.
I challenge you to live in the vision of who you desire your spouse to be and mentally create the life you want. The mind has a way of shifting our perspective to focus on what we spend the most energy thinking about. So, if you're thinking about and talking about and complaining about what an ass your spouse is, guess what you'll get more of...ass! Focus on his positive qualities (dig as deep as necessary) and speak well of him...especially to others. Life and death are in the tongue and if your spouse is already tearing it down, don't go there...speak life back into your home!
   *** Side note: under no circumstance am I telling you to look the other way for serious, abusive or destructive characteristics. Get professional help***
All of this is to say, the best thing to do if you're tired of your marriage is to realize that it's your own life your actually tired of. Own your feelings, communicate to your spouse anything external that they can do to help you be better, persevere and live in your vision of the life you want and not in your current state of affairs. Your feelings are only an indicator, don't let them take the lead because we can go from the photo above to the one below in the same day when we lead with our feelings. 

Make a conscious, mental decision to say what needs to be said and do what you need to do. Get excited about the future and decide to be committed to your marriage and not simply interested. No matter the mood, don't be consumed with the issues and understand that when you shift, everyone else in your life does too. 

And last but not least...forgive. Linda Dillon said it best, "a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers who commit not to hold a grudge and nurse a hurt but instead to freely forgive their mate, even though sometimes he or she does not deserve forgiveness". That's it...this is all I have to say for now on this. If you have something to add...please don't hold back! Share, comment and express your thoughts below. We'd all love to hear from you. Be well...

Wings (are made to fly)

[All]

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said spread your wings my little butterfly

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And if they give you sh ....

Then they can walk on by

My feet, feet can't touch the ground

And I can't hear a sound

But you just keep on running up your mouth, yeah

Walk, walk on over there

'Cause I'm too fly to care, oh yeah

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know Is, yeah

(Chorus)

Mama told me not to waste my life

She said spread your wings my little butterfly

Don't let what they say keep you up at night

And they can't detain you

'Cause wings are made to fly

And we don't let nobody bring us down

No matter what you say it won't hurt me

Don't matter if I fall from the sky

These wings are made to fly

(Hey,hey,woo!)

I'm firing up on that runway

I know we're gonna get there someday

But we don't need no ready steady go, no

Talk, talk turns into air

And I don't even care, oh yeah

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

Keep talking, all I know is

(Chorus)

I don't need no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey

I don't hear no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

You better keep on walking

I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy

You better keep on walking

I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy

[All]

Your words don't mean a thing

I'm not listening

They're just like water

off my wings

(Chorus)

Songwriters

BUTLER, MISCHKE J. / JAMES, IAIN / BARNES, THOMAS ANDREW SEARLE / KELLEHER, PETER NORMAN CULLEN / KOHN, BEN / NURI, ERIKA F. / EDWARDS, PERRIE / NELSON, JESY / LEWIS, MICHELLE ROBIN / PINNOCK, LEIGH ANNE / ROJAS, HEIDI LISSETT / THIRLWALL, JADE

Published by

Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

It's Not Cute!

We all know this chic. Some of us have been this chic. I'm soo surprised to know this chic still exists! This practice should have died out a decade ago; there have been movies made, Lauren Hill sang about it, and we've seen it play out in our real life dramas. The thing is, we've all evolved and matured; self-help book sales have quadrupled and people should just know better by now. Those of us who know better need to teach the next generation of young women so this madness ends.

Here's the scene:

You're at a get together. You see some familiar faces and chit chat. There's a new couple there that you don't know and you join the conversation to learn more about them. You introduce yourself and your husband and she introduces herself and her husband (stop right there)! 

*** we interrupt this story to explain the 2 types of Husbands ***

See, I introduced my (man who put a ring on it, stood before the official, paid the fee, got the red seal on the papers, said "I do", now pronounced man & wife) husband! 

While she introduced me to her (man who sleeps in her bed, getting free milk w/o even renting the cow, don't respect you enough to commit, you bought your own ring, really the baby daddy) husband! 

*** back to the story ***

So you and your new friend start a private conversation and you're asking about what she does, how old are the kids, etc. and she chatters away. At some point the confession always comes out, "we're not really married but we've been together 5 years".  o_O

News Flash...he is not your husband and you have not earned the right to say so! It's so interesting how many people say they don't need the "piece of paper" to define their relationship yet they're out here claiming it and probably dying on the inside wishing they had it.

Just so you know...that piece of paper is required to use the title! Without it, you are a single woman living in fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other (Merriam-webster.com). And I'm not even going to get into the religious side of this one...wanting God to bless your hot mess o_O

Now here's the deal; those of us who are married understand that we earned the paper, we have been to hell and back without burning the paper and we do what it takes to keep the paper! Your spreading of the legs does not grant you the rights to claim our title, please cease and desist immediately. Stop minimizing the sanctity of my Union! AND...If your man is going around introducing you as his wife, it's not sweet or cute. If he has not engaged you, he's just filling your head with empty promises so he can continue to do what he wants while you stay with him in foolish comfort. A man who genuinely loves you and wants you in his life knows the next step! Even if he can't give you the world, he'll at least give you a ring to keep you by his side.

You know I say this from my heart because I've been in a similar predicament: I recall a time in my younger days when I lived with the father of my children and we were playing house. We had picked out a ring years before that I never wore and we were committed to our family but it really dawned on me one day that I was playing a role I hadn't earned. I didn't pretend to be his wife and I knew he wasn't my husband but from living together we sort of fell into certain roles. With those roles came certain expectations on my part but I had to know my place and hold back because deep down I knew I just couldn't go there (though I may have tried a time or two...lol). I knew he loved me but he wasn't respecting me, I wasn't respecting me and the values that were important; at the end of the day I was a single mother (ring and all). Shortly after I expressed my feelings to +Bobby Barrett , he showed his respect for me and we were married. No pomp and circumstance; just made it official, legal and binding. I stopped calling him by his name for awhile and simply referred to him as my husband!

That what it takes ladies...communication! Don't settle for whatever he gives you because you're afraid to be alone. Communicate what you want because if he truly loves you, he'll respect you and follow through. And please know this...nothing you do will make a man commit to you! No matter if you cook like Paula Dean, look like Halle Berry or (as +Steve Harvey puts it) can make your cookie do monkey tricks; until a man is emotionally attached to you and is ready to commit, you'll be wasting husband benefits on a boy-friend! 

I recently watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" where the character Beth settled on Neil for 7 years wishing, hoping and arguing to get her piece of paper. He told her he didn't believe in marriage...check it out (profanity alert):

You may be thinking this topic soo does not flow into Valentine's Day but that's where you're wrong! This is the perfect season to LOVE YOURSELF enough to call it what it is, recommit to your standards and let go of the fantasy so you can create a better reality! He's not your husband because he doesn't want to be...stop pretending! Maybe if you had more respect for the piece of paper (and all it stands for), he'd have more respect for you and put a ring on it! (IJS)

It's a New Day

Here's the next song to add to your playlist:

I went asleep last night 
Tired from the fight 
I've been fighting for tomorrow 
All my life 
Yea I woke up this morning 
Feeling brand new 
'Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming 
Has finally came true 

(CHORUS) 

It's a new day 
It's a new day 
It's a new day 
It's a new day 
It's a new day 

It's been a long time coming 
Up the mountain kept runnin' 
Souls of freedom kept hummin' 
Channeling Harriet Tubman 

Kennedy, Lincoln, and King 
We gotta maninvest in that dream 
It feels like we're swimming upstream 
It feels like we're stuck inbetween 
A rock and a hard place, 
We've been through the heartaches 
And lived through the darkest days 

If you and I made it this far, 
Well then hey, we can make it all the way 
And they said no we can't 
And we said yes we can 
Remember it's you and me together 

(CHORUS)

It's been a long time waitin' 
Waiting for this moment 
It's been a long time praying 
Praying for this moment 

We hope for this moment 
And now that we own it 
For life I ma hold it 
And I won’t let it go 

It's for fathers, our brothers, 
Our friends who fought for freedom 
Our sisters, our mothers, 
Who died for us to be in this moment 

Stop and cherish this moment 
Stop and cherish this time 

It's time for unity 
For us and we 
That's you and me together 

I woke up this morning 
Feeling brand new 
'Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming 
Have finally came true 
Yea, I woke up this morning 
Feeling alright 

'Cause we weren't fighting for nothing 
And the soldiers weren't fighting 
For nothing 
No, Martin wasn't dreaming for nothing 
And Lincoln didn't change it for nothing 
And children weren't crying for nothing 

Hablas Amor?

Ever feel like you and your spouse speak different languages??? Do you ever get frustrated between what was actually said, what was intended and what was emotionally heard??? We already know "Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus" but there has to be a way for the 2 to truly become one!

The 5 Love Languages is an amazing tool by Dr. Gary Chapman designed to do just that. He's spent 30 years conducting marriage counseling and has broken down the 5 different ways couples express love and effectively communicate with each other. Learning how to improve communication with your spouse will certainly help make the marriage healthy and the love stronger. It will create a common bond and a cycle of reciprocity.  To take the assessment and learn your own love language, go to www.5lovelanguages.com.

Ok...now this is where I'm going to give you the look (0_O) Don't use this info to manipulate your significant or use it only to make up after you've blown it. There are some things you need to know about what the 5 love languages are not!
Physical Touch is NOT sex! It's NOT foreplay! And it most definitely is NOT harmful abuse!!!! (nuff said)
Acts of Service is not doing something for your spouse with the intent to receive praise! Either you're going to do it out of love or you shouldn't do it at all! This is not where you do something out of obligation or halfheartedly while huffing & puffing! This is an area where you can really go the extra mile...do more than expected! Doing the regular stuff around the house is great but doing something specifically for them (not the kids or family) is the cherry on top. 
Receiving Gifts is not materialistic! It doesn't have to break the bank! This is truly where the statement "it's the thought that counts" comes into play. Don't worry about costs and don't give a gift you like, give the gift they would love!
Quality Time is not dragging your spouse along to what you want to do. It's about them! Whatever you plan, make sure you can actually carry it out. It doesn't count if you plan the time but it doesn't actually go anywhere o_O
Words of Affirmations is not the time to say hurtful, sarcastic, dumb things (even jokingly) and then following up with "I love you"! Seriously...not cool! Don't try to play the "I'm only kidding" card; insults are not easily forgotten. Even if this isn't your spouse's love language, who doesn't appreciate a good compliment? 
OK...now that you know what it's not, go to the site and learn what the languages mean. Take the assessment and have your spouse do the same. Make it one of your Valentine Day activities and commit to learning each other's languages. There's even a fun Challenge you can complete..get the info HERE. 

"Best Day Of My Life"

I had a dream so big and loud 
I jumped so high I touched the clouds 
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh [x2]
I stretched my hands out to the sky 
We danced with monsters through the night 
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh [x2]

I'm never gonna look back 
Woah, never gonna give it up 
No, please don't wake me now 

Oo-o-o-o-oo 
This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife 
My li-i-i-i-i-ife 
Oo-o-o-o-oo 
This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife 
My li-i-i-i-i-ife 

I howled at the moon with friends 
And then the sun came crashing in 
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh [x2]
But all the possibilities 
No limits just epiphanies 
Wo-o-o-o-o-oh [x2]

I'm never gonna look back 
Woah, never gonna give it up 
No, just don't wake me now 

I hear it calling outside my window 
I feel it in my soul (soul) 
The stars were burning so bright 
The sun was out 'til midnight 
I say we lose control (control) 

Everything is looking up, everybody up now 
This is gonna be the best day of my li-ife 
My li-i-i-i-i-ife.