Let Him Be...

As I'm here thinking of starting a petition for Mother's Month, I'm also reflecting on the adventures of being a married parent! Single parents get a lot of attention but I'm here to tell you, having been both, that being a married parent is just as challenging (IJS)!
Take the other day for example, Bobby had Nygel help him put our king sized mattress back on the bed. I was just coming out the shower and I could hear their voices but not every word. Apparently, Nygel was having trouble gripping the handles on the side and I heard Bobby's voice go from normal to elevated. I poked my head out to see, jump in or whatever (lol).
Bobby was yelling...thankfully it wasn't the angry, "I'm going to kill you" voice but in the "come on you can do it" voice. He was telling Nygel to bend his arm like a bicep curl and to lift while moving the mattress forward. Mind you, the mattress is almost as big as Nygel but he got it! They laughed together and left the room. 

As I stood there in the background, I realized something amazing; one of the best things I do for my kids is allow Bobby to be their father! I allow him to teach them, love them and even discipline them the way he thinks best.
I don't disagree with him (too often) in front of the kids because I want them to respect him and trust his decisions. When I catch myself tying to impose my way, I usually try to make a joke so I don't look like helicopter, mama bear, don't mess with my baby--type of mom.
As mothers, it's not always easy to allow dads to step in or take over but we need to. We need to give them and their kids room to learn each other, trust each other and figure out the things we do.

If you're not married, it can seem 10 times harder to have the baby daddy going in and out but if he's showing up...let him! Trust me, I've been there too...I know what I know!
Bobby and I had Cassie before we were married and to add even more drama, we weren't even together anymore when I discovered I was pregnant! We tried to live together as her parents but after a year and a half, we were living apart. I didn't set any limits; Bobby could call me at anytime and come pick Cassie up...we only lived 5 minutes apart. I didn't concern myself with child support, she was mine and I didn't mind supporting her. When she was with him, I didn't even send a baby bag because he was going to make sure he had whatever she needed while in his care. 
When he started to see someone else, I didn't like having her with my daughter but I decided to trust her father; Cassie was our baby. He learned quickly how to handle her temperament and how picky she could be from day to day. 15 years later, they have this amazing relationship...they even share the same crazy sense of humor. 
(pardon the interruption): 
I feel it necessary to explain what I mean by using the word "allow". The way I see it, mothers have a natural way of blocking their kids from harm. Sometimes though, we get our signals crossed and block our kids from the person who brought the rest of the ingredients to the table. We sometimes get emotional about sharing custody because we're still heartbroken that the relationship didn't work. We sometimes think our way is better and instead of letting our partner learn (just like we did), we disrespect them and minimize their contributions. 
(back to the regularly scheduled program): 
There were many times I wanted to step in when Bobby was dealing with the kids. Times when I thought he was too easy, or too strict, or too rough, etc. etc. I am proud to say that for the most part, I held back...I didn't interfere. A few times when the boys were in their early teens, I gave him complete freedom to handle situations the way he saw fit. It was huge to him...I even remember him being nervous but there was something special about listening to him tell me how he handled it! He gave me the play-by-play and waited for a look of approval (I'm sure that's what his look implied, LOL). He nailed it...better than I ever imagined and I made sure to tell him so!
We don't always get it right as parents so as we finish celebrating moms and prepare to celebrate dads, let's commit to working together! No matter the status of the relationship between the adults, lets be better about allowing each other to be the best parent possible and the only way to do that is with practice. 

Mom-hood

“No mother is ever, completely, a child’s idea of what a

mother should be, and I suppose it works the other way around as well. 

But despite everything, we didn’t do badly by one another, 

we did as well as most.”

— Margaret Atwood

I can remember being a young girl and wanting kids. I'm sure most women can recall that period in their history. It's interesting that so many of us have the same thoughts, about the same thing...it probably even happened in a similar manner...dolls! I remember playing with my Barbie dolls, my cabbage patch kid and wanting to care for them; brush their hair, feed them, put on pretty clothes, cuddle them and love them forever! The feeling intensified when my mom was pregnant with my little brother! I couldn't wait to have "my" baby (I use to tell him that after he was born). I LOVED being a big sister and I couldn't wait until I could hold him without having to sit in the sofa. As my brother grew up, I spoiled him...all the way up to his high school years when I paid almost $500 for his class ring! He could have anything he wanted because he was "my" baby!  
When I was pregnant with my 1st child, no one really advised me about the whole process, not even my mom. Friends joked about swollen feet, burping and food cravings. My 40 weeks with Cassie were a breeze! There were days I forgot I was pregnant...the usual reminder was I would get my belly stuck somewhere I couldn't fit thru because I forgot I grew...LOL!
No one warned me post-postpartum depression is real. No one talked about the train wreck of adjusting to a new living arrangement. No one mentioned that I would feel inadequate and no one told me to listen to my intuition...they made the "experts" out to be infallible!

Here are a few things I learned on my own: anyone can be a mother but being a mom isn't for everyone. You can't take advise from everyone who has given birth! Listen to the inner voice, fight whoever you need to do what's best for your kid! The role of mom is modern day slavery...LOL (but seriously)! My husband helped me produce our offspring, don't cut him out...we were 2 before we became 3; he comes first! The sacrifice is HUGE & you don't always get a return on your investment. That's the other side of mom-hood, pouring your heart and soul into a child and having them give it back to you when they're teenagers or adults :/ I mean, give it back...return for refund...I don't want it type of give it back; not reciprocate type of give back (just so we're clear). 
I want to tell you there will be mistakes made and you probably should actually say sorry to your kids when you make those mistakes (especially since that's what you tell them)! Everyone has opinions and there are few hardcore facts because just like every pregnancy...every child is different. The skills you mastered with your 1st born may not be as effective with #2 or #3. You may be too tired if you get a #4 and #5 to even implement any skills (IJS)! 

I want to tell you to enjoy being a mom. It's not all sunshine and cupcakes but if you understand your role, you can be encouraged even in the rough patch! You won't enjoy when they lie and you really won't enjoy when the war rages and you have to be Hitler (invoke tough love) but you've got to be willing to lead with your head AND your heart! Part of your role is to train, guide and assist them from being kids to adults and then passing the baton to them to run their own race. It' s such an interesting position...this role of mom-hood.
I know I'm all over the place with this...that's what children do to you...LOL. They give you a rush of emotions, thoughts and feelings that it's sometime difficult to make sense. I want to wrap up my thoughts with a couple things: 1. if you're a mom now, love your child enough to do the right thing...not the comfortable thing. #2. if you're pregnant now, decide on more than baby names...write down the lessons you want to teach your baby as a guide to always come back to. #3. If you want kids but don't have kids, evaluate your position...not having kids is actually an option (no one ever says that)! There's nothing in the handbook of womanhood that associates your worth with your ability to reproduce. Don't live in envy...the foot shouldn't say I wish I were a hand instead. We all have our unique roles in this world. On the other hand, if you want kids...get kids. Our oldest daughter came into our family via foster care...I love her passionately! Again, evaluate your true intention...birth isn't the only way to have a child. On the other hand, be open to love the children placed in your life. It takes a village to raise a child and your nieces, nephews and friends' child needs your love and guidance just the same. Don't discount what you offer them...sometimes it's more special than the relationship they have with their parents; they cherish you because they know you don't "have to"! On the other hand, keep your dream in your heart...life is full of surprises.Where there's life, there's hope :)

Robert, Desmond, Nygel, Tay, Cassie & Monique

I'm a mom to 6 people. 1st to my husband's 3 kids. Then 2 biological and 1 adopted! If there's something you want to know about being a mom, I'm positive I've experienced it and I can offer some insight. Ask me ANYTHING...