You Need Help...

There's soo much going on this week I don't even know where to start. I've had questions posed to me and therapy sessions with random people that the topic for this week has changed so many times. 
Here's what I'm going to tell you this week...Get Help! Everyone that I spoke with this week sought me out to help them tackle a dilemma, solve a problem or give them insight into a situation. Some of it was simple, "hey what do you think about this" type stuff and others were deep, family issues that could have dire consequences!
Before my professional training, I thought it burdensome that people asked for my advice or seemed to constantly want my opinion. It was usually inconvenient and worst of all...pro bono! After realizing I could actually use my skills unselfishly and help people be better, I got to work...literally! 

Although each person I spoke with is pretty educated in their field, well rounded socially and even have a spiritual connection of sorts, they recognized when the situation was beyond their capabilities and reached out.

And here's the thing...We all get there; the point when either we don't have the mental fortitude or the emotional energy to face the problem. We all need to have someone in our corner that we can go to when the going gets tough. We all need someone we can trust with our stuff, someone who will tell us what we need to hear, not only what we want to hear. This is the first step to obtaining peace because when there's a storm brewing on the inside, getting it out lessens the pressure.
Now here's the thing, don't look down on yourself because you need to reach out! Whether it's to a friend or you need to reach higher and seek professional services...weak people don't ask for a helping a hand. Their pride and ego tells them they can handle it on their own and NOTHING good comes from acting on pride. 
 It takes a strong person to swallow that pride and realize the situation isn't only about them...no one is an island! 
So here's my advise: if you need help, ask for it. Crave out the time in your busy schedule and seek the help you need. Remember, sticking your head in the sand won't make the situation disappear. Out of sight isn't always out of mind. Phone a friend or seek a professional; trust your instincts on whom is best equipped to assist with your issue at hand.
AND, If you can be of assistance to someone else, don't be soo busy that you can't lend a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. We all need each other and I get it, you have your own issues. Don't forget, what you put out into the lives of others truly does come back into your own! 
Be easy & get the help you need!

You Have to Know The Enemy

So...the month of Love has ended. I pray you guys will come back to these posts and use the info to keep the love going all year long! When you feel in a relationship rut, the tools and tips are here for you to dig your way out. The Love Languages are always a great place to start!
So with wrapping it up I just want to remind you (because we all forget), your spouse is not your enemy! Yes, this really needs to be said and understood.
In the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, we spend a lot of time telling the most important person in our life that they are not good enough and when we're frustrated with them, we can act as if they are against us...sometimes, we even turn against them! It may be momentary or it could end up planting a seed that gets watered and fertilized with every disagreement. Once resentment takes root...it takes Divine intervention to kill it and restore the relationship. 
So...I know you're asking, "if my spouse isn't the enemy then who or what is"? Well, the answer to that depends on who or what you get your cues from?
For example, the enemy could be the co-worker you dump your problems on. They take your side (not knowing the other version), validate your issues and make suggestions about your spouse...most time not even knowing them. If they have no life of their own, they take it beyond what you even felt and/or thought and can really get you rallied up against your spouse by putting crazy ideas in your head. Even if you don't take it all in, the notion has been planted. All it takes is the right argument to make you see your co-workers point of view and voila! The avalanche begins!
If you look to society, from the perspective of Beyonce and JayZ, it's all sexy and glamorous. Or maybe you think you're a Disney Princess and can't believe your Prince Charming isn't making life happily ever after. Whatever it is, the real enemy of your relationship is your own level of expectations...no matter where they stem from. We hang everything on our expectations being met, we have the tendency to take what we desire from our spouse and turn it into what we expect them to deliver. When the expectations aren't met, we not only feel disappointed, hurt and/or angry; we feel as if our spouse is against us or just not on our side! 

So, how do we shift this and get back to where we desire to be? Simply put, keep your desires as desires and don't weigh yourself or your spouse down with expectations. Can't you recall a time when someone put all kinds of expectation on you and how it made you feel like you were drowning? So, if you know how that feels...why would you intentionally put that feeling on your spouse? You and your spouse should definitely sit down and communicate your desires for your relationship. Decide on some things and just agree; especially since most of the time, your spouse isn't even aware of the expectations you've placed on them. See, expectations are defined as something anticipated; which is "to think (pleasurably) that something might happen in the future". Now if we expressed expectations as desires and kept it pleasurable, I wouldn't have a thing to talk to you about today! The problem is, we act out expectations as ultimatums; "a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations"!!!! Not so pleasurable right? But that's exactly what we're doing to each other and then wonder why there's tension in our relationship o_O
Let me break it down for you: I KNOW my husband +Bobby Barrett desires coffee every morning to start his day. Because I want to meet that desire, I make a conscious decision to make the coffee as often as possible. I've also shown our daughter Cassie how to make coffee so when I'm not there, the coffee is still made and my husband can start his day the way he desires. Its win, win...when there's coffee before he has to leave, he's a different man (the man we all like...LOL). Now, here's the thing...he doesn't expect it! Even after all the years I've been making coffee, he will still on occasion ask, "is there coffee"? He truly anticipates it but if it's not there, he actually has the nerve to make it himself...lol! I realize that he doesn't expect it and there's no pressure on me to deliver. I do it to make him happy; not to avoid some sort of retaliation or consequence. 
Stop right here: Now, I'm not saying that your spouse just has free reign to act however they wish, do whatever they feel without any regard! What I am saying is that you should not create a hostile environment of expectations (realistic or not) where you and your spouse are not free to be your most authentic selves (I always feel the need to clarify because I know someone, somewhere may get the incorrect meaning or context).  

Your spouse is the same person you fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship; they are not the enemy. You must consciously be on guard against the things, people and suggestions that are not aligned with the life and values you want for yourself and your relationship. Replace negative thoughts and feelings by speaking life, love and peace. Every morning when you awake and every night before you sleep, say something positive about yourself and your spouse! Forgive yourself and forgive your spouse for things in the past and commit to be better moving forward. 
Use words as they are defined, not as you have been socialized. Stop confusing your ultimatums as your expectations! Start sharing your desires with your spouse and ask them what they desire of you. Be the change you want to see; learn to serve them instead of using energy to complain about how your needs are not being served/met! And stop looking to compromise, that only shows your commitment to the marriage and not to the person you're actually married to (as taught by +Andy Stanley)! I told you before that you hold the power, I hope this makes sense and you're able to see where I trying to take us. 
As we enter into March Madness, the season of Spring, Lent & Easter, this is the time to plant seeds for a prosperous future and a beautiful relationship! 

FYI: there's a difference between expectations and standards. We'll talk about it another time.